


When It Fails

by pinstripedJackalope



Series: The World Anew (Also Indulging Pale Urges) [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: EriSol - Freeform, Grimdark, Helmsman, Helmsman Sollux Captor, Horrorterrors - Freeform, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Revolution, second sufferer/second signless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1593053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinstripedJackalope/pseuds/pinstripedJackalope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After defeating the ultimate final boss, an ending screen is seen across the sky.  The world is torn apart, chunks of code and flesh mixing until the universe has been created anew.  What now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Game Over

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is my first posted fic, and I assure you it was always meant to be long and convoluted. Things will get heavy at times. Also I should mention that the tags show what I'm planning for this fic but that may not have happened yet, so I'm sorry if they are spoilery or whatever. But please, don't take that as a sign that you shouldn't enjoy!

       Despite being the whole of two severely awesome halves, if they did say so themselves (if only admitted half the time), Erisolsprite wasn’t much for fighting in the final battle.  In part, he found that the severely egotistical power-players that were the rest of the team did fine on their own, once they got their hassling, arguing, and all-around fussing over and done with.  The other part, the larger part, just didn’t care.

       It wasn’t as if he couldn’t have stood beside Jake and Karkat and all the others as Gamzee led Lord English into their trap.  Erisolsprite most certainly could have.  But the fact was that he had a hazy contentedness ensnaring him, a melancholy emotion entangled in the strangled, self-conscious, eternally spiteful mores hanging around his twisted brain.  It was this strange, ashy-tasting contentedness that made him oblivious to the machinations of the greater game session.  Ever since his two halves got crammed together within the game sprite it was as if he was made of nothing but an empty wasteland of comfortable dull-burning hate, a hate that settled so perfectly on his frame that he couldn’t dream of life as it was before.  He was whole.  It was inexplicable and true, and in the end it was this odd sense of contentedness that caused him to be wandering around in the fields of LOMAX instead of out in paradox space as the final boss was annihilated.

       He was unprepared when Lord English fell and the game reset.  He didn’t even have time to read the enormous letters that began to flash across the sky.  There was no way for him to steel himself against the agony of having every cell transmuted into code, spliced back into two separate entities all over again, and returned to flesh.  He tried to scream as suddenly he no longer had two lungs inside his body, finding that in their place there was only a string of numbers, the code that made him up torn apart like so much tissue paper in the hands of a particularly ornery two-sweep-old.

       He felt like he had crawled out of a void only half formed when he again was able to pull in a breath.  There was a gap in his brain, a recess where a second consciousness was supposed to be.  With a deep groan, he rolled over onto one side, curling into a ball.  Everything hurt.  It was as if his very skin had just been peeled off and left lying slack on his bones.  For a long, terrible moment he hardly even remembered that he needed to continue breathing, but then he did and he started to feel just a sliver better.

        _Ping!_  Something somewhere above him let out a little electronic noise that sounded harrowingly familiar.  Was that trollian?  Man, when was the last time he used that?  Probably before he was melded with that yellowy asshole.  Wait.  What?

       With a moan, Eridan Ampora stretched out his aching body.  He clumsily felt his own horns, running his claws over the zig-zag jags on both sides.  Both sides?  Why did he feel so… uneven?

_Ping!  Ping!_

       Oh fuck, who was bothering him?

       Amid a myriad of escalating pinging noises, it took Eridan a good ten minutes to locate his feet.  He was unaccustomed to having feet.  They felt like clubs as they flopped around behind him.  It seemed as if he was unaccustomed to a lot of things, he realized, as he patted down his gills.  He was solidly underwater, and he spent one long moment patting at himself, utterly grateful that his body felt mostly functional.  Mostly.  But lord, did his head hurt.

       He still had no idea what space in time he was occupying--it felt as if he might just be in a memory, an uneventful blip across a dream bubble somewhere, except for the fact that he was more than sure that he had never experienced this sort of aching absence before.  That hole in his head was completely new, and he had a hunch as to why.

       He was proved right when he finally floundered onto his knees, accidentally ramming his face into his desk in the process, and located his yammering computer.  Three people were trolling him.  With a bit of a sigh, he opened the client.  One ex-moirail.  Who gave her the right to be so excited?  One ex-kismesis, god that was a lot of eights.  One particularly ornery someone who had never landed a quadrant, and who had been trolling him for three hours now.  This last one was not happy.  Not that he ever was--it just seemed that his recent pings were a notch or two more up-tight than normal for one Karkat Vantas.  Eridan clicked on the blinking handle.

       Glub but there was a solid wall of gray in front of his face.

       Squinting, Eridan scrolled through several dozen messages.  He got the general sentiment that they were back on Alternia.  All of the trolls, anyway.  They had just reappeared in their hives on the day before their lusii began dying, just fine and dandy.  According to Karkat, it appeared that they were allowed to come back at the height of their powers--Vriska was lording her godtier wings over everyone while Aradia and Tavros were out frollicking in the flowers.  Eridan frowned at the screen and then looked down at himself--he had never made godtier, but it might have been nice to keep some of the sprite powers.  No such luck--apparently the height of your powers didn’t include being combined within a game construct with the guy you hated most.  And speaking of the guy you hated most…

       Eridan propped one exhausted fin on his hand as he read through the latest twenty or so messages from Karkat, trying to parse what on Alternia he was going on about.

CG: HOLY FUCKING HELLFIRE IS IT LIKE A GAME BETWEEN YOU TWO?  ARE YOU TRYING TO SEE WHO CAN PISS OFF THE MISERABLE CARCASS OF KARKAT VANTAS WORSE?

CG: BECAUSE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU IT’S OBVIOUSLY WORKING QUITE FUCKING WELL.

CG: THE CONTEST TO SEE WHO TAKES LONGER TO CONFIRM THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY NOT A SMEAR OF RADIOACTIVE ECTOSLIME IS STILL GOING STRONG.

CG: YOU BOTH WIN.

CG: PRIZES ALL AROUND!

CG: HAVE A TROPHY HEWN FROM MY SOLIDIFYING RAGE EXCREMENT FOR YOUR SUPERIOR PERFORMANCES.

CG: PUT IT ON YOUR MANTLE OR SOMETHING SO THAT YOU AND HE CAN BRAG OVER THE GLORIOUS SHITSTAINS IT WILL LEAVE ON YOUR PERSONAL DECOR.

CG: WHOOPS I ONLY HAVE ONE TROPHY THOUGH.

CG: WHAT AN ASS I AM FOR FORGETTING THAT YOU KNIVING FREAKING LOSERS ARE TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE.

CG: YOU’LL HAVE TO BORROW KANAYA’S CHAINSAW AND CUT IT IN HALF.

CG: SPLIT IT BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU LIKE THE HORRENDOUS GOGDAMN SPITE-BUDDIES YOU ARE.

CG: UNLESS SOME GLITCH SHAT YOU OUT AS ONE PERSON, IN WHICH CASE MY CONDOLENCES.

CG: AND ALSO PLEASE STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE YOU TWO WERE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MISERABLE COMBINED.

CG: HOLY SHIT ERIDAN WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME.

CG: ARE YOU AND SOLLUX SHACKING UP?

CG: IS THAT WHY NEITHER OF YOU WILL ANSWER?

CG: JAKTY;OAIJSDF;AJGPOAISJF;OAIGS;OERIG

CG: FINE SEE IF I CARE.

CG: I COULDN’T CARE IF I BLENDED A TROLL CARE-BEAR INTO A SMOOTHIE AND CHOKED IT DOWN THROUGH MY SPASMING SEEDFLAP.

CG: THE ONLY REASON I’M STILL MESSAGING YOU IS BECAUSE I AM SUCH A SUPERB LEADER.

CG: JUST MAKING SURE THAT NONE OF MY CREW ENDED UP AS STARDUST SHAT OUT FROM THE ASS OF A HORRORTERROR OR OUTER GOD.

CG: ONLY TRYING TO ASCERTAIN THAT ALL TWELVE OF US WERE KEPT AS BIOLOGICAL BEINGS WHEN THE GAME VOMITED US BACKWARDS IN TIME.

CG: YOU KNOW.

CG: LIKE THE SORT THAT CAN TYPE ON COMPUTERS WITH THEIR GRUBFUCKING FISH-ENCRUSTED PHALANGES.

CG: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT.

CG: OH MY

CG: FUCKING

CG: GOD.

CG: HOLY GRUBFUCKING HELL ERIDAN.

CG: YOUR GROOMING CAN WAIT.

CG: …

CG: I HAVE NEVER WANTED THIS PHRASE TO CRAWL OUT OF MY MOUTH BUT I GUESS THERE'S A FIRST FOR EVERYTHING.

CG: PLEASE PLEASE JUST BE JERKING YOURSELF OFF WITH YOUR GRUBFUCKING HAIR GEL.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.

CG: IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME WITH SOLLUX.

CG: AND HE CAME BACK TO LIFE.

CG: I DON’T THINK I COULD HANDLE IT IF ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES DIED FOR REAL.

CG: OH GOD I CAN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

CG: JUST…

CG: IF NEITHER OF YOU ANSWER IN ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR.

CG: THEN I’M COMING OVER MYSELF.

CG: OR WELL.

CG: I’LL HAVE FEFERI GO TO YOUR SORRY HIVE.

CG: BECAUSE I STILL FAIL TO HAVE FUCKING GILLS.

CG: WAIT.

CG: ARE YOU NOT TALKING TO ME

CG: …BECAUSE OF MY BLOOD?

CG: YOU ARE THE LORDIEST FUCKING DOUCHEBAG I’VE EVER KNOWN.

CG: IF THAT IS THE REASON THEN I’M GOING TO GO DOWN THERE AND KNOCK A HOLE THE SIZE OF THE GREEN MOON THROUGH YOUR SHIT-EATING FACE PLANES.

CG: WATER BE DAMNED.

       The caps-lock yelling didn’t do much for the state of Eridan’s head.  He leaned back, massaging the currently-threatened face planes for just a moment before he found it in himself to begin typing an answer back.

CA: oh my fuckiin glub kar

CA: could you giivve a guy the benefiit of the doubt for liike

CA: twwo fuckiin minute2

CG: THERE YOU ARE.

CG: ONLY TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.

CG: THE REST OF US HAVE BEEN COMMUNICADO FOR HOURS NOW.

CG: INCLUDING GAMZEE.

CG: WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.

CG: SINCE THE COMPLETE MORON LAUNCHED HIS HUSKTOP INTO THE OCEAN PRACTICALLY THE MOMENT HE WOKE UP.

CG: AND SPEAKING OF, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT, THAT WAS NOT TWO MINUTES.

CG: YOU WERE OFF THE RADAR FOR A GOOD THREE HOURS.

CG: AND EVEN BEFORE THAT YOU WEREN’T AT THE BOSS FIGHT.

CG: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF YOU TWO EVEN EXISTED ANYMORE.

CA: couldn’t you wwaiit a day maybe before launchin into hy2teriic2

CA: c’mon man my head ii2 kiiliin me

CA: and my 2creen aiin’t doiin me any favvor2

CG: THERE IT IS, FOLKS.

CG: THE INFAMOUS ERIDAN AMPORA.

CG: BEHOLD: HIS TRANSPARENT ABILITY TO ONLY EVER THINK OF HIMSELF.

CG: THE GRUBFUCKING WORLD REMADE ITSELF FROM SALIVA AND BINARY CODES LIKE SOME SORT OF WEIRD ALIEN SPAWN REVOLT.

CG: BUT COME ON ONLY ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA COULD BE DOWN AFTER THAT HAPPENED.

CA: hey

CG: WOW I WONDER WHERE ALL MY FUCKS HAVE GONE.

CG: IT SEEMS I NO LONGER OWN ANY BECAUSE I SENT THE LAST OF THEM IN HIS DIRECTION AND WATCHED AS HIS INCREDIBLE BLENDER OF A HEART MAGICALLY SPIT CONDESCENSION BACK AT ME.

CG: GO ON, FOLKS, TRY IT FOR YOURSELVES.

CG: THIS ONES A FUCKING DOOZY.

CA: okay okay ii get the poiint

CA: could you 2hut up long enough for me to get my beariin’2 here

CG: YEAH OKAY THAT’S FINE.

CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOUR QUIRK?

CG: WAIT.

CG: YOU TWO AREN’T STILL--

CA: no no no sorry

CA: ii

CA: shit

CA: i guess the habit is still there

CG: OKAY GOOD.

CG: I MEAN IT WOULD CERTAINLY EXPLAIN WHERE THE FUCK HE IS RIGHT NOW.

CG: AND PROVE THAT VRISKA IS A BITCH FOR EVEN SUGGESTING THAT THE GAME SWALLOWED HIM WHOLE LIKE A GRUBFUCKING SNAKE UNHINGING ITS MOUTH.

CG: BUT IT IS DEFINITELY GOOD THAT YOU TWO AREN’T FUSED AT THE BRAINSTEM ANYMORE.

CG: BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED.

CG: BUT THE TWO OF YOU MASHED TOGETHER IN ONE BIG BALL OF ASSHOLE-DOM WAS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

CA: hold on back up a second

CA: is he still missin

CA: kar an2wwer me riight noww ii2 2ol 2tiill iincommuniicado

CG: YEAH.

CG: AND I CAN’T SEE INTO HIS HIVE ANYMORE.

CG: BUT IF YOU’RE OKAY THEN I’M PRETTY SURE THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK IS JUST FINE AND DANDY.

CG: HE’S PROBABLY IGNORING THE LOT OF US IN FAVOR OF HIS FUCKING CODING.

CG: GRUB FUCK HE IS *SUCH* A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

CG: AND AFTER HE CONVINCED ALL OF US THAT PLAYING THAT GRUBFUCKING GAME WAS GOING TO BE THE BEST FUCKING BRAINSQUIRT WE’D EVER HAVE.

CG: I KINDA WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE FOR THAT.

CA: so are you goin ovver or wwhat

CG: I’M GONNA HAVE TO.

CG: SOMEONE HAS TO GO MAKE SURE THAT HE DIDN’T END UP WITH HIS ORGANS INSIDE OUT.

CG: OH GOD THAT IS A NASTY VISUAL.

CG: …

CG: WHAT IF HE’S LYING THERE WITH HIS ORGANS INSIDE OUT.

CG: OH JESUS.

CA: oh my god kar

CA: wwhy wwould you say somethin like that

CG: I DON’T KNOW BUT THE IMAGE WON’T GO AWAY NOW.

CA: you’re an ass kar

CA: you knoww that

CG: I NEED TO GO SHATTER MY THINKPAN ON SOMETHING.

CG: A WALL MAYBE.

CG: THERE’S SO MUCH FUCKING YELLOW IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.

CG: I THINK I’M GETTING WOOZY FUCK.

CA: okay here’s wwhat wwe’re gonna do

CA: i’m goin to havve seahorsedad take me up there

CA: and wwe’re goin ovver there together

CG: YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

CA: don’t you test me kar

CA: the only thing i’m really givvin a 2hit about right noww besides the fuckin miigraiine trying to uproot me

CA: i2 that goddamn twwo-fold iidiiot

CA: ii am commiin the fuck up

CA: wwe are goiin iin


	2. The Doom Sink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to a psionic when the world restarts.

       “I am not goin’ in there.  I can’t.”

       Eridan was standing at the doorway of hive sixteen on the twenty-second (of course it was the twenty-second) floor of Sollux’s communal hivestem.  Karkat stood in front of him, his knuckles raised to rap on the front door while his other hand discreetly held one of his sickles at waist level.  Eridan nearly quailed as Karkat froze, his fists clenching and his tendons popping.  Karkat rolled his short, shaggy head back to give the seadweller a glare that could have leveled a mountain.  What he saw on Eridan’s face obviously did nothing to abort the rage aneurism already building inside of him.

       “Holy fucking hell, you are the worst grubfucking nuisance I’ve ever had the ill grace to come into contact with,” Karkat snapped, but his voice was low.  His eyes kept flicking back to the door as if he were afraid of what lay beyond it.  “You can go into this festering shithole, and you will, because you’re the one who’s got a pitch crush on the fucking loser inside.  And also the one who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood slash internal organs.”

       Eridan pried one claw under the suffocating mass of his scarf, yanking at the fabric.  “Kar, he hates my guts.  What if he really is hurt?  What am I supposed to do?”

       The way that Karkat’s eyes bored into him like he was goring him with his nubby little horns made Eridan flinch back a little and begin backtracking, but Karkat cut him off.

       “Ampora, you have one chance to be the badass I know you always daydream about being when you and Vriska do your little RPG coddling.  I don’t know what you and Sollux have between you, and I don’t fucking want to know.  I would probably have to rip my eyeballs out if I did.  The point is, you mean something to him just like he means something to you, even if that something is completely vile and closely resembles vomited excrement, and if he’s ever needed you I think now is the time.”  Karkat sniffed and raised his hand again.  “Now keep to my elbow, you fucking moron, or I’ll--”

       Both of them jumped as suddenly the door unlatched without provocation, swinging open on cheap, rusty hinges.  Eridan swallowed.  He wasn’t hiding behind Karkat’s small-but-daunting frame--it just so happened that he was standing in a position where he was mostly out of view from the depths of the hive.  Karkat stood there for a long moment, his upper lip twitching in a sort of scowl, but when nothing flew out of the darkness to impale him he prodded Eridan in the side.  

       “Chop chop, we’re moving in,” he hissed.  Eridan only nodded.  Karkat rolled his eyes about as far as they would go before he steeled himself, raising the sickle slightly higher.  Eridan clung to his shoulder.  “Sollux, was that you?” Karkat called into the darkness.

       There was no answer, but three steps in Karkat disappeared, his sweater suddenly yanked out of Eridan’s grip.  Eridan had hardly let out a squeal of surprise (a manly and completely badass squeal, that is) when the cuss-bomb exploded, and he was showered with a solid wall of Karkat-special profanity from somewhere on the floor.  Eridan quickly backed up a step and began slapping at the wall, because this was all beyond stupid, and in seconds he’d located a light switch and turned on the overhead light.

       Karkat was sprawled on the floor, waving his sickle above his head like an angry wriggler wielding a twig.  His feet were tangled up in a pair of thin legs.  Eridan slowly followed them up to a trim waist, up and over the Gemini symbol, and finally onto the face of the person he’d been missing the most ever since he’d woken up alone on his floor.  

       Sollux Captor wasn’t looking good.

       In fact, on first glance Eridan thought he might be dead.  In a sudden blind panic, he fell to his knees and scrambled toward Sollux’s limp form, trying to wipe away the yellow blood that soaked his face from the nose down.  Sollux’s eyes were half open, glassy and staring, as if he’d just breathed his last breath.  His limbs hung down like marionette appendages with broken strings.

       “Sol?  Oh glub, Sol, don’t be dead.  Don’t you be dead on me now,” Eridan said, his voice little and distant as if he existed in some other universe.  He grabbed Sollux’s cheeks, leaving behind yellow handprints, and raised Sollux’s face so that he could get a look at him.  Karkat had managed to calm himself down and was edging up beside them, gently prodding Sollux with the handle of his sickle.  Sollux didn’t make any move to signify that he noticed.  Eridan felt the sudden urge to scream.

       Until a deadpan voice, Sol’s voice, interrupted him, along with a sudden charge of psionics that flashed dangerously bright despite the strong overhead bulb.  His vocal chords scratched with tired strain.  “Back.  The fuck.  Off.”

       Eridan pulled his hands back as if stung, and watched as pain rippled across Sollux’s face before his head drooped again toward his lap.  The gemini’s fingers curled once, twice, as if he was fighting to stay conscious.  “Sol?  You okay?”

       “Sollux Insufferable Captor.  If you are as alive as I’m assuming you are, since you seem to be sitting in front of me clearly in possession of a living body, then why the hell didn’t you respond to my pings?”  Karkat spat.  He took in a deep breath to begin an honest-to-grub rant at the poor bloody troll, but Eridan shushed him.  The two of them waited in tense silence for a moment, studying Sollux.

       The gemini weakly raised one hand, pressing it flush against his temple with a low moan.  Blood was still seeping out of his nose and down over his fangs, droplets sprinkled on the already soaked collar of his shirt.  A sudden crackle rent the air, and both Eridan and Karkat backed the fuck off.  The psionic sparks flashed across Sollux’s half-lidded eyes and up his horns, flickering out again a moment later.  A low haze of sickly power pulsed beneath his skin.

       “Shit, Sol.  A migraine already?” Eridan breathed.

       Sollux inclined his head for an instant, his shoulders sagging further.  “It’s the voitheth,” he moaned.  “I forgot how many there were.  There are tho many people… tho many dying…”  He grimaced, his jaws yawning open in pain.  His tongue was slick with yellow.  The long strands of bloody saliva dripped through his lower teeth, hanging down over his chin.

       “Shit,” Karkat said, rocking back.  “Shit shit shit.  This isn’t good.  We need a game plan.  Just… I don’t know, hold your head together or something while we go find something to help.”  Karkat reached forward to clap him on the shoulder, but Sollux scared him off with a guttural hiss and another crackle of power.

       “Back off,” he said again, his voice low.  “Don’t fucking touch me.”

       Karkat turned to Eridan with a half-pissed-half-lost sort of snarl, and Eridan swallowed the unease in his throat.  Shit was undignified.  He was a fullblooded seadweller again, after all.  “Sol, come on,” he said, grabbing the gemini by the elbow.  Karkat yelped and jumped back at the resulting flash of psionics, but Eridan just let out a grim bark of laughter and held on tighter.  This wasn't anything compared to the power he'd seen them dual-command as Erisolsprite.  “You have legs, Sol.  If you don’t use them then I’m just going to dump you on your ass.  And don’t you fry me, I’m trying to help.”

       “You can’t help me.”

       Eridan grunted at that.  With a gargantuan effort he heaved Sollux onto his unsteady feet, wincing as the psionic’s head rolled onto his shoulder and began dripping blood down his shirt.  “Really, Sol?  I spent half a sweep living through your migraines with you and you don’t think I could help?”

       “ED.”  Eridan winced at the dead inflection in his voice.  “I am dying.  Thith ith doomed.”

       “What?” Karkat demanded.  Eridan shook his head in warning, beginning to guide Sollux toward his recuperacoon, but Karkat was already going.  “You mean to tell me that two whole sweeps spent in the oblivion of the incipisphere didn’t beat this stupid emo doom crap out of your mutant head?  You have seriously been lying here, on the ground, for four fucking hours, thinking about your own death?  Or are you telling me that we didn’t really win, and we’re in a doomed timeline?  Oh praise the outer gods, Sollux Captor has convinced me of the finite nature of the world for the second time!  I owe him my life for reminding me that, gasp, everyone is going to die some day because by golly, we’re made of flesh and blood!”

       “Kar, please.  Cool it for a moment,” Eridan whispered.  Sollux’s breaths against his neck were beginning to get shaky, as if he wanted to start crying.  Another psionic spark shot along the twin horns, precariously close to his exposed skin.

       “It ithn’t a doomed timeline,” Sollux said, hardly audible.  “We’re back for good.”

       His fingers groped at his recuperacoon as Eridan leaned him against it.  “So what’s the matter then, Sol?  Hmm?”  Eridan palmed a lock of sticky hair back from his forehead.  The skin raged with warmth.  “You gotta tell me sometime.  I know you inside and out, literally.”

       Sollux sniffed hard, trying to breathe through the mess of blood.  Eridan could clearly see something inside him straining to pick up pieces larger than he was, his psyche trying to put itself back together even though it was more hopeless than the death of the Prince of Hope had been.  Eridan stood stock still, eyeing him.  Waiting.

       Suddenly a tongue of sparks shot forward, looping around the back of Eridan’s neck and drawing him forward until he was nose-and-nose with Sollux.  Sollux’s bleary eyes seemed to melt together into an angry mess of glowing purple.  The bitter, almost nauseating smell of rust-blood was exceedingly strong at this proximity.  It burned hot as it drip-drip-dripped down his face.  “You can’t help me becauthe I’m dying,” he said.  “You want to know how I know?  I can hear my own voithe.  Getting louder every thecond.  It jutht keepth getting louder.”

       Karkat puffed up in their peripheral vision, his incredulity about to blow over in a full-blown rage cyclone, but then Sollux turned to him with his dull eyes, another wave of pain crossing his features.  The gemini’s maw opened loosely, the fangs tainted yellow.

       “It’th counting down to the day everything failth.”

       With that ominous sentence, the world lit up with red and blue fireworks.  Eridan screamed and launched himself backward, away from the troll who had just become molten.  Sollux wailed in agony.  Even as the flash seared across Eridan’s oculars, he felt an odd sort of empathy for the eternally doomed other half of Erisolsprite.


	3. Adorabloodthirsty Reunions

CURRENT carcinoGeneticicst [CG] RIGHT NOW opened TIME-LOCKED memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY

CG titled memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: ATTENTION EVERYONE.

CG: OR AT LEAST EVERYONE WHO ISN’T BUSY MELTING RECUPERACOONS WITH THEIR BARE BRAINS.

CG: BY WHICH I MEAN SOLLUX.

CG: SOLLUX ‘I CAN’T KEEP MY PITCH-GASMS IN MY PANTS’ CAPTOR.

CG: SOLLUX ‘I’M WINNING THE FETISH DOUBLE REACHAROUND OLYPICS WITH THE SPARKS COMING OUT OF MY OCULARS’ CAPTOR.

CG: GRUBFUCKING PRICK.

CG: IN CASE ANYONE IS WONDERING, SPEAKING TO SOLLUX IS STRICTLY OFF-LIMITS UNTIL HIS TIME-OUT ENDS.

CG: OR UNTIL HE COOLS OFF WITH THE DOOM-SAYER SHIT.

CG: BECAUSE LETS BE HONEST HERE THOSE TWO THINGS ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

CURRENT adiosToreador [AT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AT: wHAT, uH, wHAT'S GOING ON WITH sOLLUX,

CG: HE IS IN A MOOD AND IT IS INADVISABLE TO TRY TO TALK TO HIM.

CG: UNLESS YOU WANT TO RE-LIVE THE ENDING SCREEN OF SGRUB IN A MORE PERMANENT FASHION MORE CLOSELY RESEMBLING BEING TURNED INSIDE OUT BY AN ELECTRIFIED CULLING FORK.

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CC: O)( no! Is )(e all rig)(t???

CG: AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THE DOOM SINK IS GOING TO BE PERFECTLY FINE AS SOON AS HE STOPS SHOWERING THINGS WITH MINDSPARKS.

CG: HIS DOOMY TWIN OF MISERY SEEMS TO THINK THAT HE’LL FEEL BETTER ONCE THE MIGRAINE WEARS OFF.

CC: So you finally got in touc)( wit)( -Eridan?

CC: And )(ey, Tavros!  It’s nice to sea you again!  38D

AT: hELLO, fEFERI,

CC: Oops I forgot to ask if it was okay to reply to t)(is memo.  S)(ore-y Karkat!

AT: oH YEAH, sORRY kARKAT, i'LL STOP TYPING THINGS HERE, nOW,

CG: YES I FOUND THE ABOMINABLE SCARF MONSTER I’M SORRY TO SAY.

CG: I VOLUNTEER ANYONE ELSE TO DEAL WITH HIM AND THAT BRAIN-WASHED SPARKY NERD BECAUSE I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY DONE WITH EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEIR STUPID SHENANIGANS.

CC: I’m s)(ore-y to )(ear t)(at t)(ings aren’t going so s)(ell!  You sound pretty tense Karkrab.

CG: WELL NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, SPONTANEOUS UNIVERSAL RECONFIGURATION CAN DO THAT TO A GUY.  I GUESS I’M NOT USED TO HAVING OPPOSABLE THUMB CLAWS YET.

CC: O)( glub, speaking of not being used to t)(ings, I forgot to fetc)( Gl’bgolyb’s lunc)(!

CC: W)(oops I’ll be rig)(t back!

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CA: damnit fef don’t be sorry for that asswhipe

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CC] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CA: awwww i missed her

CA: anywway

CA: i resent that kar

CA: you knoww full wwell that i wwas only tryin to keep him calm an collected

CG: AND NOT MELTING OUR FACES OFF YATTA YATTA YATTA SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP.

CG: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR FUCKING FIN-FACE TO LAST A CENTURY.

CG: AND YOU ALL CAN REPLY TO THIS FUCKING MEMO ALL YOU WANT.

CG: NOT THAT MY BANNING EVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.

AT: aRE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO, bAN ME,

CG: I NEED TO TOUCH BASE WITH EVERYONE NOW THAT WE’RE...

CG: BACK?

CG: I DON’T KNOW.

CG: NOW THAT WE’RE WHEREVER WE ARE.

CG: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, THE WHOLE MEMO BANNING THING WASN’T EVEN WORKING ANYWAY.

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [GA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

GA: Apologies But I Must Concur With That Sentiment

GA: Even Though I Never Tried To Speak On One Of Your Memo Boards Until It No Longer Mattered I Found That Your Lonely Meanderings Were Never Very Productive

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [GC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

GC: Y34H M4N YOUR M3MOS SUCK3D!  FRU1TY RUMPUS W4S BOSS >;]

CG: THE MEMOS WERE A DARK TIME OF MY PAST/FUTURE THAT I WOULD RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT.

CG: EVEN THOUGH I WAS OLDER AT THE TIME.

CG: CAN WE ALL AGREE THAT PAST-OLDER KARKAT WAS COMPLETELY CONSTIPATED AND GET ON WITH PRESENT DEALINGS.

CG: SUCH AS GETTING EVERYONE BACK ON TRACK AFTER THAT WHOLE GAME CLUSTERFUCK COMPLETELY DERAILED OUR FUCKING LIVES.

GC: HOPY SH1T STOP 4RGU1NG W1TH YOURS3LF

GC: 1TS UNB3COM1ING

GC: 4ND ST1LL K1ND OF W31RD >:/

GA: It Is Not So Much Arguing As It Is Chastising I Would Say

GC: >:O YOUR3 R1GHT

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE GRATEFUL I HAVEN’T BANNED YOU AND YOUR STUPID SMELLOVISION.

GC: O F34RL3SS L34D3R

GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU H4D 4 PO1NT COM1NG

CG: RIGHT.

CG: I HEREBY TAKE BACK MY FORMER RULES AND INSTATE NEW ONES THUSLY:

CG: ANYONE MAY REPLY TO MEMOS AT ANY TIME SO LONG AS THEY STAY ON TRACK.

CG: AND ALSO DON’T SAY ANYTHING EVEN BORDERING ON THE REALM OF STUPID.

CG: BECAUSE I’VE DEALT WITH ENTIRELY TOO MUCH OF YOU PEOPLES STUPIDITY IN MY SHORT, UNHAPPY LIFE.

CG: EVERYONE CLEAR?

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [AC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AC: :33 < yaaaay!

AC: :33 < *pounces on karkitty with her beastly claws carefully retracted in order to not harm him in any way*

CG: DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?  THAT’S THE KIND OF STUPID THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW.

AC: :33 < aww sorry

CG: THATS OKAY.

CG: JUST DON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN UNDERSTAND?

AC: :// < sh33sh i get it

AC: :33 < so grumpy!

CG: NOW THAT WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME GRUBFUCKING PAGE.

CG: I EXPECT EVERYONE WITH ONLINE PRIVILEGES TO GIVE ME AN UPDATE.

CG: WHICH MEANS EVERYONE BUT SOLLUX.

CG: DID I MENTION HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE SOLLUX IS.

CG: BECAUSE HE IS.

GC: WOW R4G3 MUCH? >:[

GA: I Can Certainly Comply

GA: What Exactly Should This Update Entail

CG: JUST TELL ME WHETHER OR NOT YOU’RE BACK WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

CG: AND IF YOU’RE RESUMING ‘NORMAL’ ACTIVITIES.

CG: CURRENT MENTAL/PHYSICAL STATUS ALSO WOULDN’T HURT.  KNOWING EVERYONE’S LIMBS ARE WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WOULD PROBABLY HELP ME SLEEP AT DAY.

CURRENT centaursTesticle [CT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CT: D --> I sh001d like to report, if I nay

CG: HEMOCASTISM IS INCLUDED ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT COUNT AS STUPIDITY.

CG: AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU VOMIT YOUR FUCKING BIGOTRY ALL OVER US.

CT: D --> I had no intention of doing so

CT: D --> In fact I feel.. contrite about previous actions I have taken

CT: D --> Despite being back in the strict world of the hemospectrum I feel no desire to 100k down upon you as I once did

CT: D --> This is.. embarrassing to admit but I was certainly in the wrong

CT: D --> Most of you are very much worthy of respect despite the perhaps low coloration of your b100d

GC: >:?

CT: D --> I apologize

CG: THAT’S FANTASTIC.

CG: YOU COLOSSAL SWEATING DOUCHE.

CG: I AM PROUDER THAN A MOTHER CLUCKBEAST WITH HER GRUBFUCKING BROOD.

CG: NOW GET ON TO YOUR REPORT BEFORE I AM FORCED TO STICK A FLASHGRUB THROUGH MY EYESOCKETS TO RELIEVE THE PROUD PAIN OF THIS SAD CONFESSION.

GA: I Believe He Is Being Honest

GA: That Is To Say

GA: I Do Not Think He Is Employing Any Sort Of Human Humor In Order To Mean The Opposite Of What He Says

CG: I DON’T CARE.

CG: OH MY GOD JUST SAY YOUR FUCKING PIECE AND GET ON WITH IT.

CT: D --> It seems as if me and Nepeta are doing.. well

AC: :33 < yeah! i’m so happy to have pounce de leon back

AC: :33 < i missed him so much after the sprites left us

AC: :33 < and equius is very glad to have aurthor again!

CT: D --> That is certainly true

CT: D --> So far as being back goes however we are both a little dazed

CT: D --> I don't know what to do with myself aside from my robotics building but I suppose more of a purpose will come back in time

CT: D --> So long as time is something we have

CG: YEAH I HEAR YOU

AC: :// < so negative

CG: AND YOU BOTH ARE…

CG: MORTAL?

CG: IF IN FACT COMING BACK GODTIER MAKES YOU IMMORTAL STILL.

CG: I AM STILL EXTREMELY FUZZY ON ALL THESE FUCKING GAME FUNCTIONS.

CG: FOR INSTANCE, DOES EVERYONE REMEMBER ALL OF THEIR SPLINTERED TIMELINE LIVES?

CG: BECAUSE I’VE GOT SOME MEMORIES THAT APPARENTLY CAME RATTLING OUT OF THE ASSHOLE OF AN OUTER GOD BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THEY’RE FROM.

CT: D --> Unfortunately neither of us ever made godtier, so we cannot help with the argument of mortality at this time

AG: :33 < you could always ask vriska!

AG: :33 < i’m fur she’d be excited to tell you all about her purrty wings

CT: D --> If only to boast of her current superiority

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [AG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AG: Eeeeeeeequiiiiiiiius

AG: Don’t 8e so ruuuuuuuude!!!!!!!!

AT: hELLO THERE, vRISKA

CT: D --> Speak of the devil

GA: Ah Yes That Was Rather Perfect Timing

CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS BLOODTHIRSTY AND DEPRAVED.

CG: COULD WE NOT BEGIN FIGHTING RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

CG: I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ONE MEMO THAT ISN’T COMPLETE AND UTTER HOOFBEASTSHIT.

AG: Then tell all these losers to 8ack off.

AG: Seriously the whole jealousy 8it is getting 8oring!

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CC: W)(ale )(onestly Vriska, you've been kind of mean about t)(e w)(ole godtier t)(ing.

AG: Th8nk you, fairy princess, for popping out of the sky to tell me that!

AG: You guys are so sensitive a8out eeeeeeeeverything.

CC: 38P

AG: I was only 8eing honest!

AG: It isn’t my fault if no one else managed to get to the 8est levels!

AG: You guys just didn’t have the luck :::;)

CC: Maybe not all of us felt suc)( a strange drive to kill ourselves.  38/

AT: uM, hMMM,,,

AG: Uuuuuuuughhhhhhhh.

AG: 8ecause none of you could get it done I have to listen to this dum8 nonsense.

AG: Someone t8ll me the justice in th8t!!!!!!!!

CG: VRISKA YOU’RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

CG: IN FACT YOU’VE BEEN GIVING ME A HEADACHE SINCE THE MOMENT YOU TROLLED MY MISERABLE CARCASS YESTERDAY.

CG: YOU AND CAPTOR ARE COMPOUNDING LIKE AN ANNOYANCE ANEURISM.

CG: IN ABOUT TWO POINT FOUR SECONDS MY LAP IS GOING TO BE FULL OF HEMORRHAGING RAGE JUICE.

AG: You never cease to please the l8dies, do you Karkat?  ::::P

CG: JUST REPORT AND GET OFF OF MY MEMO BEFORE I BAN YOU.

AG: Fiiiiiiiine.

AG: One spider8itch reporting in.

AG: All oper8tions are a go, and all the irons are 8ack in the fire.

AG: Going 8ack like this is like a second chance.

AG: A stroke of luck, even.

AG: And I already have plans.

AG: Aaaaaaaall of the plans!!!!!!!!

CG: GOODY FOR YOU

AG: Just w8, things are on the riiiiiiiise……..

AG: And it will 8e explosively awesome :::;D

CG: WOW YOU KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS DOING WITH THIS INFORMATION.

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BECAUSE I COULDN’T GIVE NEGATIVE FUCKS IF I TRIED.

AG: W8ll y8u ask8d!!!!!!!!

AG: Y8u'll 8e th8nking me for wh8t I'm doing!!!!!!!!

CG: MOVING RIGHT THE FUCK ALONG.

CG: TAVROS WHY DON’T YOU GIVE ME YOUR REPORT.

CG: BEFORE I INJURE SOME VITAL ORGAN INSIDE MY ALTERNIABOUND FLESHSUIT READING THIS FUCKING HOOFBEASTSHIT.

AG: Real n8ce Kark8t!!!!!!!! DXXXX

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [AG] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AT: bYE, vRISKA

CT: D --> It is time we bid farewell as well

CT: D --> Come Nepeta

AC: :33 < awwww… but i want to play!

CT: D --> Now is not the time, and this memo is certainly not the place for that unruly rough housing you refer to as 'playing'

CURRENT centaursTesticle [CT] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AC: :33 < i guess i’ll s33 everyone later

AC: :33 < *the willowy cat waves goodbye with one majestic paw before she turns to leave*

CC: BY-E!  Talk to you soon, Nepeta!

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [AC] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: TAVROS.  STATE YOUR GRUBFUCKING STATUS ALREADY.

AT: iT ISN'T REALLY, uH, aLL THAT INTERESTING OF A REPORT TO BE MAKING,,

AT: aND I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW YOU'D GO ABOUT INJURING YOUR, uM, fLESHSUIT, bUT IT DOESN'T SOUND VERY PLEASANT,

CG: MY PATIENCE WEARS FUCKING THIN.

GC: TH1NN3R TH4N 4 PROST1TUT3S L4CY BOTTOMS?

CG: NO ONE INVITED YOU TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS CONVERSATION TEREZI.

CG: AND YOU’VE SPENT ALTOGETHER TOO MUCH TIME WITH STRIDER IF THAT’S THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND TO SPEW FROM YOUR UNUSUALLY POINTY MOUTH.

GC: >:[

CURRENT apocalypseArisen [AA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

AA: my ap0l0gies karkat

AA: i didnt realize that we were all gathering 0nline

CC: Aradia!  You’re )(-ER---------E!

AA: hell0 feferi

AA: ive been spending as much time 0ut in my 0ld dig sites as i can

AA: theyre terribly 0vergr0wn  0.0

CG: MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE SPENT THE LAST CHRONOLOGICAL SWEEP DECAYING IN A FIELD. DID YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE MISS GODTIER?

CC: KARCRAB, PLAY NIC-E!

AT: uH, wOW, kARKAT,,,

AT: tHAT WAS KIND OF HARSH WASN’T IT,

CG: UGH MAYBE.

CG: PLEASE TAKE MY CONTRITE BLOODY VASCULAR PUMP AS AN APOLOGY, ARADIA.

CG: IT’S THE BEST I CAN FUCKING DO RIGHT NOW.

AA: is there s0mething wr0ng

CG: EVERY FUCKING THING IS WRONG.

CG: I WOKE UP YESTERDAY AND REALIZED THAT MY FUCKING LIFE HAD BEEN REWOUND TWO SWEEPS.

CG: I THOUGHT I WAS OVER AND DONE WITH THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF BEING SIX SWEEPS OLD.

CG: BUT NO, THE UNIVERSE DECIDED THAT MY TORMENT SHOULD CONTINUE.

CG: AND TO MAKE IT WORSE SGRUB *APPARENTLY* NEVER EVEN EXISTED EVEN THOUGH I *KNOW* I DIDN’T HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND IMAGINE THE WHOLE GAME.

CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SCREWED OVER BY THE FUCKING GAME?

GC: >:[  NO 1 W4S K1ND OF F33L1NG L1K3 TH4T TOO

GA: Indeed I Am A Little

GA: Caught Off Guard By This Turn Of Events

GA: Although Personally I Think I Feel Most Unsettled By The Fact That No One Has Yet Been Able To Locate The Human Network To Contact Any Of The Humans

AT: yEAH, aS FOR MY REPORT I WOULD LIKE TO, uH, rEPORT THAT I'M FEELING A LITTLE LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF,

AT: aND I'M KIND OF DOWN THAT rUFIOH, tHE UH, rEAL ONE, dOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE, eXCEPT MAYBE IN THE PAST, aS MY ACTUAL ANCESTOR,,,

GA: I Am Very Sorry Tavros

GA: I Could Lend You A Few Of My More Fantastical Books

GA: Perhaps They Could Take Your Mind Off Of That

AT: tHAT IS VERY NICE OF YOU TO OFFER, kANAYA,

AT: bUT I THINK I WILL BE FINE,

AT: i STILL HAVE MY fIDUSPAWN THINGS, tO TAKE THE WORST EDGE OFF,

AA: 0_0

CG: WOW THAT WAS KIND OF A DEPRESSING DETOUR.

CG: OKAY GETTING BACK TO THE POINT.

CG: YOU’RE STILL MOBILE, TAVROS?

CG: AS IN THE GAME LENIENTLY DECIDED TO RETURN YOU WITH A FUNCTIONAL LOWER HALF INSTEAD OF THE STUPID DYSFUNCTIONAL BITS YOU WENT IN WITH AND THEY HAVEN’T MELTED BACK OFF?

AT: tHAT WOULD BE THE GOOD THING, aBOUT ALL OF THIS,

AT: sTILL FUNCTIONAL, }:)

CG: GOOD.  I’M GLAD THAT YOU WEREN’T SUBVERTED BACK TO PARAPLEGE-DOM.

AA: yes i am s0 happy that y0u can j0in me 0utside again with0ut having t0 push y0ur f0ur-wheel device 0ut 0f the mud

AT: tHANK YOU,,,

AT: aND IF THAT IS ALL YOU NEED FROM ME, i WOULD LIKE TO, sIGN OFF AND GET BACK TO WHAT i WAS, dOING BEFORE, tHE MEMO,

AT: wOW IT FEELS WEIRD TO GET OFF, oN MY OWN, aND NOT BE BANNED,

CG: YEAH YEAH DON’T GET TOO COMFY WITH THE NEW RULES.

CG: I CAN CHANGE THEM BACK ANYTIME.

CURRENT adiosToreador [AT] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

GA: I Believe I Have Already Said Everything I Need To Say As Well

GA: There Is Nothing Out Of The Ordinary To Report Pertaining To My Physical Or Mental Well Being

GA: I Think I Am Going To Pick Up A Book For Myself And Simply Relax For Now

CG: I’LL HAVE TO SEE IF SOLLUX CAN DO ANYTHING WITH THE EXTERNAL PLANETARY NETWORK.

CG: MAYBE THE STUPID PINK HUMAN ALIENS ARE STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

CG: IF YOU'RE READING THIS, FISH-BREATH, HOW ABOUT TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT?

CG: ONCE HE IS QUITE FUCKING DONE WITH HIS STUPID DOOM TANTRUM.

CG: GOD I FORGOT THAT I WAS PISSED ABOUT THAT.

CG: STUPID FUCKING GEMINI TWAT.

AA: 0.0

GA: That Would Raise My Spirits I Think

GA: To Have Him Look At The Network That Is

GA: Please Inform Him That I Would Be Very Grateful

AA: have i missed s0mething

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [GA] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: YES YOU FUCKING HAVE.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO DISCUSS IT ALL OVER AGAIN.  ITS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A PAPERCUT BATHING IN SOUR FRUIT JUICE.

GC: SOLLUX 4PP4R3NTLY BL3W UP H1S R3CUP3R4COON *W1GGL3S 3Y3BROWS*

CG: WHAT PART OF ‘I DON’T WANT TO DISCUSS IT’ IS YOUR THINKPAN STUTTERING OVER?

CC: Karkat, do you t)(ink I could go visit )(im? I t)(ink )(e needs a friend to glub wit)( rig)(t now.

CC: I'm doing just fine, moray or less, so I reely wouldn't mind!

CG: YOUR FUCKING FUNERAL.

CG: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BRING YOUR TRIDENT IN CASE HE GETS ANY MORE SMART IDEAS.

CG: NOT THAT I THINK HE WOULD WANT TO HURT YOU.

CG: UGH I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIS DEAL IS RIGHT NOW.

CG: SCARF-FACE, YOU STILL ONLINE OR DID YOU FALL ASLEEP ON YOUR GILLS?

CA: you could be a little nicer kar might get you more results

CA: a course im still here i just didnt wwant to grace that attitide wwith an answwer

CA: someones gotta keep sol up to date

CC: -----------ERIDAN!!!  )(----ELLO!

CA: hey fef

CA: i meant to say hi earlier but you had to run off

CC: Yea)(, sorry about t)(at.  I won’t forget again!

CG: BIG WHOOP THE CONTINUATION OF OUR COMPLETELY FUCKING REDUNDANT RACE IS ASSURED FOR ANOTHER DAY.

CG: DO YOU THINK YOUR MISERY TWIN IS UP TO VISITORS, AMPORA?

CA: sure

CA: i mean wwhy not

CA: hes half asleep right noww so its as good a time as any

CG: I AM STILL UTTERLY AMAZED THAT YOU STILL HAVE FACEHOLES THROUGH WHICH YOU CAN BLOW YOUR INFURIATING FISH-BREATH.

CG: HOW IS IT THAT HE HASN’T ZAPPED YOU INTO THE NEXT PERIGEE?

CC: 38O I'll be rig)(t over, -Eridan!

CA: alright

CA: see you soon fef

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CC] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: THERE WAS ACTUALLY A POINT TO THIS MEMO.

AA: d0 y0u mean the rep0rts the 0thers have been giving y0u

CG: YES, THAT FUCKING POINT.

CG: WHICH COINCIDENTALLY ALSO INCLUDES NOT AIRING OUT YOUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIPS ON THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY BOARD.

CG: COULD WE WRAP THIS UP PLEASE???

GC: T3R3Z1 PYROP3 R3PORT1NG!

GC: 1 W4S GO1NG TO S4Y PROS3CUT1ON BUT 1 D1DNT JUST FOR YOU K4RK4T

GC: H4H4H4H4 S33 HOW 4W3SOM3 4ND 4M4Z1NG 1M B31NG

CG: YOU HAVE ONE LINE OF WARNING BEFORE I TAKE YOUR STUPID NOSE AND SMASH IT INTO THE NEAREST PIECE OF SOLID FURNITURE.

GC: >:O HOW RUD3!

GC: 1 4M SOUND OF M1ND 4ND BODY

GC: P3RH4PS SO MUCH 4S TO B3

GC: ROCK1N

GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4

GC: G3T 1T K4RKL3S

CG: YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE.  IF I COULD SHOOT YOUR STUPID SMUG PUNS OFF OF THE CRATER OF THE GREEN MOON I WOULD.

GC: TH1S SN1FF3R SM3LLS L1333S!

CG banned GC from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: MY BRAIN IS ITCHING SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW WITH THE EFFORT OF NOT ACTUALLY SHITTING RAGE SNAKE ONTO THIS STUPID THING.

CG: ARADIA DO YOU STILL HAVE A FUCKING BODY?

AA: yes i d0 0.0

CG: AND YOU FEEL MOSTLY ALL RIGHT EVEN AFTER THE COMPLETE CLUSTERFUCK OF OUR GODFORSAKEN GAME SESSION?

CG: ACTUALLY YEAH, WHO AM I KIDDING, YOU’RE PROBABLY FINE.

CG: YOU HAD YOUR FUCKING DEMENTED CORPSE PARTIES AND CAME BACK TO LIFE LIKE SOME SORT OF BACKWARDS SATANIC OFFERING SO I’M GUESSING YOU’RE COOL.

AA: that

AA: is pretty accurate yeah

AA: i can’t lie i am feeling g00d

AA: better than i have in a l0ng time

CG: ANYTHING ELSES TO CONTRIBUTE?

AA: i am just glad that i n0 l0nger have t0 w0rry ab0ut impers0nal r0b0tic issues

CG: CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS

CG: NOW GTFO

CG banned AA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CA: geez kar

CA: tempers runnin a little on the nasty side dont you think

CG banned CA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned CC from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned AG from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned CT from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned AC from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned GA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG banned AT from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG rebanned GC from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THE LOT OF YOU.

CG: THIS MEMO IS NOW RIGHTFULLY MINE.

CG: AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

CG: GRUBFUCK NOW I REMEMBER WHY I CONTINUALLY BANNED EVERYONE.

CG: AND NO, IT ISN’T JUST BECAUSE I’M A RAGE DOUCHE.

CG: TALKING TO THE LOT OF YOU AT ONCE IS LIKE SWALLOWING RAZOR BLADES AND TAKING LAXATIVES AT THE SAME TIME.

CG: HOPY FUCKING SHIT I NEED SOME SOPORIFICS OR SOMETHING.

CG: ALL RIGHT.  TO WRAP UP, WE ARE ALL BACK PLANET-SIDE.

CG: TIME SEEMS TO HAVE RESUMED WITHOUT A HICCUP, MAKING US SIX SWEEPS OLD AGAIN.

CG: THERE ARE NO APPARENT GLITCHES FROM THE GAME RECREATING ALTERNIA.

CG: UNLESS YOU CONSIDER THE CAPTOR ASSHOLE TO BE A GLITCH.

CG: WHICH I DO.

CG: THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION NOW IS TO RESUME OUR DUMBASS LIVES FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF.

CG: IF ANYONE FINDS TROUBLE TRYING TO DO SO, PLEASE OPEN A PRIVATE CONVO WITH ME AND WE’LL GET IT SORTED OUT.

CG: NOW PLEASE GO ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

CG: AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED TO TEREZI’S ANCIENT BLIND PROFITS.

CG: DO *NOT* BOTHER SOLLUX.

CG: …

CG: SPEAKING OF IDIOTS WHO WEREN’T IN THE CHAT.

CG: I FEEL LIKE I DODGED A BULLET SOMEWHERE IN THERE.

CG: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THAT THERE’S ONE ASSHOLE I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM TODAY.

CURRENT terminallyCapricious [TC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

TC: Uh hEy, BeSt fRiEnD.

CG: OH GRUBSAUCE THERE IT IS. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS MISSING.

CG: GOODY FOR ME MY OWN PERSONAL RECKONING DECIDED TO PAY ME A VISIT.

CG: ALRIGHT CHUCKLEFUCK, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

TC: Is... Is eVeRyOnE ElSe gOnE?

CG: YEAH BUT THEY CAN STILL READ THIS.

TC: Oh.

TC: hOnK.

CG: ...OH MY FUCKING GOD WOULD YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, IT MAKES ME NERVOUS WHEN YOU'RE QUIET.

TC: WeLl i dOn't kNoW If i sHoUlD Be aLl uP WhErE EvErYoNe cAn sEe mE YoU KnOw?

TC: KiNdA On aCcOuNt oF ThEm sTiLl bEiNg pReTtY UpTiGhT AnD RiGhTeOuSlY AnGrY At wHaT I GoT MySeLf uP To iN ThE GaMe.

CG: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?

TC: No sIr.

CG: ARE YOU LYING?

TC: HoNk.

CG: …ALL RIGHT FINE, I BELIEVE YOU.

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.

TC: JuSt cHeCkInG In i gUeSs, BeSt fRiEnD.

TC: …

TC: I DoN'T ThInK I'M DoIn sO MoThErFuCkInG HoT.

CG: HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.

CG: IT’S NOT SOMETIMES.  IT ISN’T EVEN MOST TIMES.

CG: I HATE YOU ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

TC: :o(

CG: I AM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF A CONCUSSION ROLLING MY EYES HERE.

TC: I'M SoRrY FoR WhAt aLl uP AnD HaPpEnEd.

CG: …

CG: GAMZEE.

TC: Uh yEaH, mOtHeRfUcKeR?

CG: YOU KILLED A GRAND TOTAL OF A THIRD OF US BY THE END OF THE GAME.

CG: YOU WERE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR RAISING THE FINAL BOSS AND GUIDING HIM INTO HIS ULTIMATE POWER.

CG: YOU ACTUALLY BROKE MY FUCKING DIAMOND.

TC: :o(((

CG: YOU SPENT HALF THE GRUBFUCKING SESSION BEING CONTROLLED BY A FUCKING HUMAN PUPPET MONSTER JU-JU *THING*.

CG: AND THEN AT THE END REDEEMED YOURSELF BY LEADING LORD ENGLISH INTO HIS DEFEAT.

TC: …

TC: HoNk.

CG: GO AHEAD.

TC: ArE YoU MaD At mE?

TC: FoR AlL Of tHoSe tHiNgS YoU JuSt sAiD?

CG: NO GAMZEE.

CG: NOT ANYMORE.

CG: I’M JUST REALLY FUCKING TIRED.

GA unbanned herself from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

GA: Karkat If I May

TC: hOnK.

CG: I’M NOT AUSPISTICING.

CG: COUNT ME FUCKING OUT.

GA: It Was Not My Intention To Attempt Any Relation Within The Darker Half Of The Quadrants

CG: THEN BE MY FUCKING GUEST.

GA: Gamzee

TC: YeAh?

GA: I Have Been Thinking Long And Hard About What Happened To You Within Our Game Session

TC: I'M So fUcKiNg sOrRy.

GA: Hush I Am Not Finished Yet

TC: :o(

GA: I Believe That There Was A Reason That You Acted The Way You Did

GA: Perhaps You Were Cornered And Afraid

GA: Perhaps Something Angered You And You Just Could Not Control It I Do Not Know I Am No Mind Reader

GA: Whatever The Case May Be I Would Like To Ask One Question

TC: hOnK.

TC: ?

GA: Are You Feeling Better Now

TC: I'M So mOtHeRfUcKiNg sOrRy. It wOn't eVeR HaPpEn aGaIn. My bLoOd-pUsHeR FeElS StUpId aNd hEaVy wHeNeVeR I ThInK AbOuT It aNd i jUsT WaNtEd tO Up aNd cRy wHeN I ReAlIzEd i wAsN'T DeAd aFtEr tHe eNd sCrEeN AlL Up aNd fLaShEd aCrOsS ThE SkY.

TC: I'M ThE DeAd sTuPiDeSt mOtHeRfUcKeR WhO CoUlD EvEr tHiNk tHaT He cOuLd eScApE ThE StUpId hIgHbLoOd rAgE ThAt hE AlWaYs kNeW WaS AlL Up iNsIdE Of hIm.

TC: I AlWaYs jUsT ThOuGhT ThAt i cOuLd mAkE ThE FuCkInG RaGe sTaY DoWn wHeRe iT WaS SuPpOsEd tO StAy.

TC: I'M SoRrY. i'm mOtHeRfUcKiNg sOrRy.

CG: WAIT.

CG: YOU *KNEW* ABOUT THIS ISSUE BEFORE WE BEGAN PLAYING?

CG: DID YOU JUST FUCKING IGNORE ALL THOSE JOKES WE WERE MAKING ABOUT YOUR STUPID RAGE ASPECT AND HOW WE DIDN’T THINK YOU COULD HURT A FLY?

TC: :’o( WhAt dId yOu uP AnD ThInK ThE SlImE WaS AlWaYs fOr, BrOtHeR?

CG: I THINK

CG: I WOULD RATHER BE SITTING NEXT TO THE DOOM-SAYER RIGHT NOW.

TC: hOnK.

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING HONK AT ME.

CG: NOT RIGHT NOW.

TC: …

GA: I Think I Have Come To A Decision

TC: ?

CG: A DECISION ABOUT WHAT?

CG: WHAT IN THE BULGE-LICKING ETHER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GA: Since You No Longer Seem Able Or Willing To Keep Gamzees Rage In Check

TC: …

GA: And He Himself Is Admitting That He Cannot Control Himself

CG: WAIT

GA: There Seems To Be Only One Logical Solution

CG: HOLD THE FUCK UP FOR ONE REEKING SECOND.

CG: WHILE CHUCKLEFUCK THE MIME HERE IS ABOUT MY LEAST FAVORITE PERSON TO EVER HAVE EXISTED WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF DAVE *FREAKING* STRIDER.

CG: I DO NOT CONDONE THE ACT OF KILLING.

CG: IN ANY FUCKING CAPACITY.

TC: I WoUlDn't mInD.

CG: YOU CAN JUST TAKE YOUR GRUBFUCKING SEEDFLAP AND ONE OF YOUR DAMN PIE TINS AND FIND A WAY TO SEW YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

TC: ?

CG: OKAY YES I REALIZE HOW BAD THAT WAS.

CG: THE POINT IS THAT I AM MORE THAN A LITTLE ANGRY THAT YOU’RE FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS ‘SOLUTION’ OF HERS.

GA: Karkat You Did Not Even Give Me Space To Pitch My Solution

CG: …

CG: WAIT.

CG: ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT OFFERING TO MERCY KILL HIM?

GA: I Am Doing Nothing Of The Sort

CG: ...EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

GA: I Am Offering

GA: And You May Very Reasonably Shoot Me Down For This At Any Time You Like Gamzee

GA: I Am Offering To Experimentally Try Out A Pale Relationship

GA: In Order To Help You With Your Very Obvious Issues

GA: Since I Cannot Very Well Get Along By Cleaving In Two Any Highblood That Pisses Me Off No Matter How Much I Might Like To

TC: …

CG: …

CG: OH MAN I FEEL LIKE THE DUMBEST ROCK TO EVER GRACE THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET FOR NOT SEEING THIS COMING.

TC: KaNaYa yOu... FeEl pAlE FoR My sOrRy hIdE?

GA: I Am Most Certainly Pale For Your Sorry Hide Gamzee

GA: I Am Afraid That I Was Excessively Emotional And Not Able To Decipher My Feelings The Last Time We

GA: Met

CG: I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING SPEECHLESS RIGHT NOW.

TC: I ThInK I'D MoThErFuCkInG LiKe iT If yOu pApPeD Me, KaN-SiS.

GA: Then It Is Settled

GA: We Shall See If This Suits Us Any Better Than Fighting Did

TC: …

TC: :o)

CG: OKAY WOW THAT IS ENOUGH OF THAT.

CG banned TC from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG rebanned GA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG: OKAY.

CG: ALL RIGHT.

CG: THAT WENT…

CG: SURPRISINGLY FUCKING WELL.

CG: I DIDN’T THINK MY MOOD COULD IMPROVE AFTER THE DISASTER OF THE LAST FEW DAYS BUT I MAY HAVE BEEN WRONG.

CURRENT twinArmageddons [TA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

TA: iit won’t la2t, you know.

CG: AOSDNFA;OERGERNGSOIERGS;ERNG;S

CG banned TA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG rebanned TA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG blocked TA from viewing memo board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY

CG: ERIDAN-GODFUCKING-AMPORA.

CA unbanned himself from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CA: shit sorry

CA: fef convvinced me that he might havve givven up on the wwhole doom bit

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT.

CG: HOW ABOUT YOU DELIVER HIM A MESSAGE.

CG: TELL HIM THAT I WILL RIP HIM A NEW NOOK NEXT TIME I SEE HIS REPUGNANT RECALCITRANT REVOLTING RE-I-DON’T-EVEN-FUCKING-KNOW FACE.

CG banned CA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG triple-banned TA from responding to memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

CG closed memo MEMO 1 ALTERNIA-SIDE: THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY RETURN CHECK-IN

**  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow chatlogs are dumb to format.
> 
> A heads up on any and all mistakes would be very much appreciated!
> 
> Cheers!


	4. First Taste of the Network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you breach the confines of space itself with a wireless converter?  
> Ask Sollux.

**T3R3ZI=== >FR34K OUT 4BOUT B31NG 4L1V3 4G41N**

       The letters were scrawled on the wall in a distinctive kiwi green, nearly reminiscent of Nepeta’s color.  Once a slimy gray tongue had swept across it, a wide, toothy smile that hardly held back threatening undertones crept out in response.  “Oh, but Mr. Viceroy!” crooned a silky voice from between those teeth.  “That would be inconceivable!  A respected part of the Alternian judicial system would never lose her cool in the face of such a crisis!  She must always be calm and collected, as her status demands.”  Smiling like a lamprey on the hunt, Terezi Pyrope leaned very close to the blue plush snout of the Viceroy of Cantown.  “I can’t imagine you forgetting such a simple, immutable fact, Mr. Viceroy.”  She could smell the quiver in his limbs, the perfectly delicious scent of untold fear.  She lowered her voice and crept in close, nearly pressing her lips right to his ear.  “Are you trying to sabotage the prosecution, Mr. Viceroy?  Because that is a crime punishable by a most grueling death.”

       For a long moment Terezi looked deep inside the Viceroy’s terrified soul.  He would regret the day he chose to undermine the grave practice of the legislacerators--”Okay, okay, you know what?  This is boriiing!”

       Mr. Viceroy was tossed aside like so much Alternian cotton as Terezi flopped to the ground.  He landed on his side with a wounded look in his button eyes.  Terezi stole the green chalk that had been taped to the scalemate’s paw, giving it a good lick and kicking at the blank spaces on the wall.  She sat up on her knees and painstakingly began spelling a new command on the dark gray slate, wasting as much time as she possibly could getting each line perfectly straight.

**T3R3ZI=== >STOP B31ING BOR3D!!!**

       With a long sniff, Terezi dragged her nose slowly and deliberately across the line of text.  “Ha!” she crowed to herself.  “Joke’s on you, you kiwi-scented disgrace, because Terezi Pyrope is never bored!”

       She bared her teeth at the impertinent text before hauling one of her law books toward her with a low sigh.  A good legislacerator might never be bored, but that didn’t stop law books from being as tedious as licking sand.  She was about to crack open the enormous dust-flavored book when a noise alerted her that someone had trolled her.

       Moving so fast that she nearly slipped on the Viceroy, Terezi pounced on her computer and clicked on the blinking handle before the slightly tangy blue-berry flavor made it to her nose.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowscalibrator [GC] \--

AG: Tereeeeeeeeziiiiiiii!

GC: OH GOD 1T’S YOU

GC: WHY 1S 1T YOU

AG: You sure answered fast.

AG: Expecting someone? :::;)

GC: UGH NO

GC: 1 4M W41T1NG FOR SOM3 N3WS WH1CH 1S V3RY 1MPORT4NT SO 1F YOU WOULDN’T M1ND

GC: PL34S3 SCR4M

AG: Feisty.

GC: 1’M NOT JOK1NG W1TH YOU VR1SK4

GC: W3 C4NNOT K33P DO1NG TH1S STUP1D TH1NG W3’R3 DO1NG

AG: Doing whaaaaaaaat?

GC: NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT WH4T H4PP3N3D!  >:[

AG: Nothing happened!  I completely forgive you for sta88ing me in the 8ack.  There, 8etter?

GC: >>>:[

GC: TH4T 1SN’T 4LL TH4T H4PP3N3D!

AG: Look.

AG: Don’t make me apologize.

AG: I just can’t do it, okay?

AG: Is that enough to unfriend me over?  Especially when I got my punishment in the end?

GC: F111N3 JUST SHUT YOUR 4NNOY1NG MOUTH!

GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT?

AG: I have a proposition to talk to you about!

GC: OH MY GOD YOU H4V3N’T CH4NG3D H4V3 YOU?

AG: Of course I h8ve!

AG: W8w, you haven’t even heard what I have to s8y here!

AG: What if what I’m suggesting is to right an incredi8le injustice against the people of Alternia?

AG: Huh?

AG: Do I have your curiousity now?

GC: PROC33D.

GC: BUT B3 W4RN3D.

GC: TH3 PROS3CUT1ON W1LL NOT ST4ND FOR YOUR D3C3IT!

AG: I know you’re waiting on the four eyed nerd wonder 8om8 to get you in touch with your human crush, 8ut come on.

AG: If he hasn’t gotten a connection in a perigee of work then he’s never going to.

GC: IS TH1S YOUR PROPOS1TI1ON?

GC: M4K1NG FUN OF MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST?

GC: B3C4US3 WH1LE 1 DO LOV3 TO N33DL3 H1M UNT1L H3 TURNS D3L1C1OUSLY Y3LLOW 1N TH3 F4C3 1 DONT N33D YOU 1N MY BUS1N3SS TO H3LP

AG: No!  Jeeeeeeeez, give me a moment to 8uild up to it properly jumpy miss jumperson!

AG: So impaaaaaaaatient!

GC: >:[

AG: Okay.

AG: So what happens when this stupid little venture fails, hmm?

GC: I DONT KNOW WH4T

AG: We get 8ack to the 8igger things!

AG: The grand scheme!

AG: You know, the life or death or fate or whatever else situations at hand!

AG: We have 8ig things coming!!!!!!!!

GC: WH1CH 4R3 WH4T?

AG: Uh, hello?

AG: Mutant mutant mcmutant f8ce over there!

AG: We only have two and a half sweeps until the 8attleships come to take us off the planet!

AG: And who do you think they’re going to cull first?

AG: Me and Tavros are 8ack in one piece again.  Separately, of course.

AG: 8ut I’m pretty sure that our shouty little leader still has the anti-empire color 8leeding through his veins.

AG: So we have to come up with a completely awesome plan to save him!

AG: And Captor too, 8ecause we don’t need the computer guy hooked up to a ship like his daddy.

AG: He’s handy to keep around.

GC: F1RST OF 3LL WOW YOU 4R3 K1ND OF OFF YOUR ROCK1NG S1TT1NG D3V1CE

GC: S3CONDLY HOW DO YOU 3XP3CT TO DO TH1S 3X4CTLY?

AG: Well I don’t kn8w!

AG: But we’ve got to do something.  Like hell I’m going to sit here and watch my eye8all re-fall out of my cranium from st8sis while they go out and undermine the empire without me!

GC: 4R3 YOU TALK1NG 4BOUT 4 R3VOLT?

GC: L1K3 4CTU4LLY P3RP3TR4T1NG TH3 COM1NG OF TH3 S3COND S1GNL3SS?

GC: WH1CH 1S H1GHLY 1LL3G4L WHOOPS PR3T3ND 1 D1DNT S4Y TH4T

AG: Not something stuffy like that, 8ut yeah!

GC: WOW

AG: So what a8out it?

GC: YOUR3 K1ND OF R1GHT  >:/

GC: HOW COULD W3 S1T 4ND W4TCH TH1S 1NJUST1C3 P3RV4DE OUR F41R 3MP1R3  

AG: Yeeeeeeees!

GC: W3 MUST C4LL TOG3TH3R 4 TRUSTY T3AM! YOU G3T K4RKL3S 4ND 1LL G3T 4PPL3B3RRY

AG: Ugh, seriously?

GC: UH Y34H?

AG: Sollux is a doll hahahaha.  Literally, he’s like my pl8ything.  8ut come on, shouty?

GC: YOUR3 TRY1NG TO S4V3 H1S L1F3 BUT YOU DONT W4NT TO T4LK TO H1M?

GC: YOU CONFUS3 M3

AG: I’m not doing it to save his life, that’s just a 8yproduct!

AG: I need some excitem8nt in my life!

AG: 8esides I promised Meenah that I’d whip her altern8 ego’s ass just 8ecause I could, so there.

AG: I know you, you are 8ored off your ass right now anyway.

GC: TH4T 1S SO COMPL3T3LY NOT TH3 PO1NT!

AG: You are soooooooo 8oooooooored!

GC: Y34H M4YB3 BUT TH4T H4S NOT CH4NG3D TH3 F4CT TH4T TH1S 1S 1NJUST1C3 4ND 1 W1LL NOT 4LLOW 1T TO S1T!

AG: Hahaha yeah whatever flo8ts your aquatic motion device.

GC: 1T’S S3TTL3D >:D 4 R3VOLUT1ON 1S 1N TH3 WORKS!

GC: NOW GO G3T K4RK4T!!!

AG: Fiiiiiiiine I’m going.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased being trolled by arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

       Rocking back, Terezi allowed her tongue to skate over her black lips.  Finally, a new purpose!  This was going to be completely awesome.  With a swift nod, the libra stood and palmed her cane, sweeping the Viceroy out of her way and tapping to the door of her hive.  “Until we meet again, Mr. Viceroy!” she called before stepping out the door and beginning her climb toward the forest floor.  It was still an hour or two till sunrise--it was time to get in motion!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

GC: M1ST3R 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST 1T WOULD DO YOU GOOD TO 4NSW3R M3 TH1S T1M3

GC: B3S1D3S CH3CK1NG TO M4K3 SUR3 TH4T YOU H4V3N’T F4LL3N 4ND BROK3N YOUR FR41L BONY P3LV1S S3CT1ON 1 H4V3 4 V3RY 1MPORT4NT M4TT3R TO D1SCUSS W1TH YOU

GC: SO 1MPORT4NT TH4T 1 SHOULD L1K3 TO S33 YOU 1N P3RSON!

GC: SO 1 GU3SS P1NG M3 WH3N YOU’V3 GOT SOM3 T1M3?

GC: L1F3 4ND D34TH COULD BOTH B3 ON TH3 L1N3 H3R3!

GC: W3 MUST 4CT L1K3 W3 H4V3 4 L1T M4TCH UND3R OUR BOTTOMS

GC: 1T 1S ONLY W1TH QU1CK W1T 4ND P3RS3V3R4NC3 TH4T W3 W1LL BR1NG TH3 H4ND OF JUST1C3 DOWN UPON TH3 3MP1R3 TH4T S33KS TO CULL OUR CLOS3ST FR13ND FOR 4 COSM3T1C M1SD3M34NOR WH1L3 4LSO 4VO1D1NG L1GHT1NG OURS3LV3S ON F1R3!

GC: D1D 1 M3NT1ON HOW 1MPORT4NT TH1S 1S?

GC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 1 D1D >:[

GC: SOLLUX!

GC: SOLLUX C4PTOR YOU W1LL 4NSW3R M3 OR SO H3LP M3 1 W1LL P1NG YOUR 4SS1ST3NT!

GC: 1 H4V3N’T 3V3N B33N BOTH3R1NG YOU FOR L1K3 TWO D4YS!

GC: 1 D1D WH4T YOU 4SK3D 4ND ST3PP3D OFF

TA: yeah well not good enough.

GC: H4!  1 KN3W YOU W3R3 TH3R3

GC: 1’M NOT H3R3 TO M3NT1ON TH3 TH1NG TH4T H4S B33N DR1V1NG YOU UP TH3 W4LL SO JUST C4LM YOUR RUMBL3 SPH34RS

GC: 1S TH4T TH1NG ST1LL DR1V1NG YOU UP TH3 W4LL

TA: ye2 tz iit ii2.

TA: and iit ii2 goiing two keep driiviing me up the wall.

TA: iin fact ii don’t thiink ii’m even on the wall anymore ii thiink ii’ve graduated to the ceiiliing.

GC: D4MN

TA: do you have any iidea at all how diiffiicult what ii’m tryiing two do ii2?

TA: ii am tryiing two buiild a wiirele22 network two connect two a 2erver iin the furthe2t riing that may or may not 2tiill exii2t.

GC: 1’M K1ND OF 1M4G1N1NG TH4T 1T’S L1K3 TRY1NG TO 4CQU1T 4 TROLL WHO 1S GU1LTY OF MURD3R WH3N H3 1S ST4ND1NG 1N FRONT OF TH3 GR4ND TYR4NNY H1MS3LF

GC: 1S 1T L1K3 TH4T?

TA: iit ii2 2o much wor2e.

TA: tz ii don’t even have a comparii2on that’2 how bad thii2 ii2.

GC: W3LL H1S TYR4NNY WOULD S1MPLY 34T TH3 TROLL ON PR1NC1PL3 SO 1 WOULD CL4SS 1T 4S N1GH 1MPOSS1BL3

TA: then yeah.

TA: 2ure.

TA: iit’2 2omewhere iin that realm.

GC: SO 4BOUT TH4T OTH3R TH1NG

TA: oh my god ju2t come now then.

TA: my eye2 are burniing out of theiir 2ocket2 and my help ii2 2noriing on the floor ii can’t even thiink 2traiight.

TA: at lea2t he ii2n’t moviing around and grea2iing the keyboard2 wiith hii2 2tupiid 2weat.

TA: thank fuck for that wonder.

GC: GOOD

GC: 4LR34DY ON MY W4Y >>>:]

GC: 3XP3CT M3 1N T3N M1NUT3S

TA: nnnnnnnnng fuck you.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased being trolled by gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

       When she found Karkat’s hive door unlocked and the bottom floors more than empty, Terezi smiled and crawled up the short ladder to the highest room of his house.  Karkat, she assumed, was outside somewhere tending to the needs of his cranky lusus, which meant she had the workshop and anyone in it to herself.  That boy really needed to take better care of his hive--trespassers could walk right in!  What a pity that would be.

       The first thing she smelled as she nudged open the trapdoor was the massive hanging tangle of cables strung from the center of the ceiling.  It was a mess of liquorice black, dusty strawberry reds, and sweet veiny blues, a smoothie of sticky candy scents.  The cables branched out and slithered around in every conceivable direction, crossing one another and connecting a whole bunch of semi-gutted computers to a large four part moniter set against the back wall.  A satellite dish leaned against the only window, blocking out the first rays of sun coming over the horizon--it had been stripped of it’s paneling and refitted with salvaged biotech.  Terezi cocked her head, sniffing deeply, and listened to the whine of static echoing from speakers mounted haphazardly near the uneven ceiling.  She could just make out a desk overflowing with various circuit boards and tools.  Everything in the room was being slightly overwhelmed by stacks and stacks of sickly sweet apiculture mainframes, the computing power of the flagship of the empress herself crammed into one small attic.

       Terezi sniffed again, her nose directing her toward the wall beside the door, where she detected a large slumped form.  Equius was fast asleep underneath a formidable blanketing of important looking engineering notes and star charts.  She grinned, slinking forward to catch a photo on the dragon head computer chip installed in the eye of her cane.  This was too cute.  He even had a fat purple bee sitting lazily on the end of one super silky strand of hair.  This one was definitely going into the blackmail folder.

       Stepping back from Equius’s squeaking snores, Terezi tossed her hair back.  If Equius was here and the computers hadn’t succumbed to some sort of power outage, then it stood to reason that Sollux was moping around somewhere near--ah, there he was.

       Settling on her haunches, Terezi silently watched for a moment as the gemini beat his forehead against a spot on the ground that was somehow clear of both wires and paper.  They weren’t particularly damaging head-bangs--he seemed more tired than angry.  He was muttering to himself with each soft thud, some string of numbers and symbols that she made neither heads nor tails of.  He didn’t make a move to signify that he knew she was there.

       “When did your poor assistent crash?” she asked finally.

       He groaned and flopped one hand against the floor, his claws scritching aimlessly at the floorboards.  “At the thikthty-eight hourth awake mark.  The lother.  Now thtop dithtracting me.”

       “You are rubbing off on him in all the wrong ways,” she snorted, ignoring the bleary glare that he somehow aimed in her direction.  “What mark are you at?”

       He waved his hand non-committedly.  “Eighty, ninety, who even knowth?”

       Looking to halt his glacier-paced-head-cave-in-in-progress, Terezi hooked her claws on Sollux’s cheeks, letting the tips just barely nip his flesh as she guided his face up to meet hers.  “Why Mr. Appleberry Blast I do believe you are gaining some padding on your skeletal struts!  Perhaps Mr. Tasty Blue Pansy is doing you good even as you ruin his beauty sleep.”

       With a pinch of his eyebrows, he propped himself up on his elbows.  His shirt was getting rank--he’d obviously been wearing it for nearly as long as he’d been conscious.  The scent of exhaustion was on him so strongly that she almost couldn’t make out the gold of his symbol.  “It’th annoying ath all hell.  He’th too perthnickety about everything.”

       “That’s probably a good thing.”

       “Whatever.  I’ll tell you one thing, TZ, at least EQ knowth how to get thomething done when he’th told.  Unlike the retht of you heathenth.”

       “Ha!  Figures.  Speaking of heathens, where are Mr. Candy Apple and Lord Grape?”

       “What doeth it even matter?” he moaned, rolling onto his back so that he could flop his neck bonelessly against the wires, rubbing his face.  “The two of them are leth than zero help.  I couldn’t think my way out of a paper retheptacle right now, I’m tho fucking thtuck on thith one algorithm that I think my head ith going to ekthplode, and they keep butting in to athk about where they think the thtupid humanth even are…”

       “Well, good thing that I came with a distraction then!”

       Terezi grinned at the bland horror that flashed across Sollux’s face before he accepted that fighting would only make it that much worse.  He knew from experience that his fate was sealed.  “Okay, yeah.  How are we going to bring juthtithe onto the empire or whatever?” he asked dully, rolling his eyes.  “Pleathe let there be no math involved becauthe I am tho done with numberth right now.”

       “It’s quite simple,” she said, smacking him in the stomach with her cane.  Sollux yelped.  “We are going to fall off the radar.”

       “And thith ith going to work why?” he asked.  His mouth was moving but his eyes were doing that thing where you could tell he was looking straight through you even though he didn’t have pupils.  Something was going on in his head, something high speed, and Terezi suspected that she wouldn’t be able to keep up even if he were saying it out loud.  She sighed.

       “Because we are awesome, is why!  You hack into miss fishfork’s computer and delete us all from the system, and then we can stage a real rebellion!  You know, like get Feferi to train so she can actually take out the Empress.  Think about it, okay, we’re on the brink of being able to pull off the coming of the second signless!  We could actually cure the empire!”  While she talked, Terezi’s eyes began to light up underneath her ever-present scarf-blindfold.  She raised both fists as if directing the empire itself to fight her, which she basically was.  Sollux didn’t look amused.

       “Theriouthly?  That’th your plan?”

       “Okay look maybe it needs some tweaking.  Maybe some of us should go on the ships and infiltrate the empire from the inside out.” With a thoughtful scratch of her chin, Terezi shrugged.  “We still have to do it.  I promise I can make it work.”

       “Fine,” he sighed, massaging his temples.  “Whatever.”

       “That’s the spirit!”  Terezi smirked and stuck her cane into the mess of wires to flop down next to him.  “So we’ll start that as soon as you’re done with this project!”

       “TZ… you’re cool and everything, but ithn’t thith blind optimithm thing kind of going to backfire at thome point?”

       “You tell me, Mister!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so solidly in a depressive slump in my life.”  With a sort of demonic glee, she pinched him just underneath his grub scars.  “Are we still pathetically doomed, do you think?”

       He twisted away and pushed himself into a sitting position against the wire column.  “KK will kill you if he hearth you talking about that.  Bethideth, I wath having a pthycotic break or thomething when I thtarted thpouting the thtupid doom shit.  I’m over it.”

       The smallest taint of bitter chemicals swam underneath his scent of musky exhaustion and fruity goodness, countering his words.  Terezi’s nose crumpled up a little.  “Wow.  You’re still afraid?”

       “Afraid of what?  Nothing ith going to happen.”

       “Don’t lie to me, Mr. Appleberry.  I can smell it in your blood.”

       For a long moment he just sat there, fiddling with a chunk of honycomb that was on the floor.  His heartbeat was slowly increasing, each pump of his blood-pusher a little louder in the silence.  Finally he swallowed and turned to look at her.  “Don’t tell KK, okay?”

       Terezi nodded her head as hard as she could with it being on the floor.

       “It’th jutht… I know my heart ith going to thtop.  The voitheth keep telling me that I am going to be cold and dead.  They won’t tell me when, but… I hear me, you know?  And my own voithe ith thaying that before I die everything ith going to fail, and when it doeth…”

        Terezi stared up at him as good as her sniffer could, focused like a laser.  He blinked once, twice, the cement of his eyelids blocking out the ridiculously bright colors of his eyes for an instant or two.  His heart skipped a beat, and for one terrible moment she thought he would fall over dead right there.

       What he did instead was let out a shout, jumping to his feet.  Terezi flinched, and she heard Equius come to life somewhere behind her, scattering papers.

       “Captor!  I found the Orion chart,” he said, an unappealing slur to his voice that made Terezi wince in sympathy.  A sound crunch rang through the room as his fist clamped down on the chart in question, but Sollux wasn’t paying attention.  He had bolted to the mainframe keyboard underneath the quadriscreen and was busy punching in numbers, his forked tongue clamped between his snaggle teeth.

        Terezi pushed herself up to poke her nose over his shoulder.  “Mr. Blue Pansy, I think history is being made!” she called back in Equius’s direction, her normal grin spiking across her face.  With precision borne of impatience Sollux entered a long strand of coding, ignoring her.  His shoulders were tensed up toward his ears, and she only smiled wider as the first part of whatever he was doing began to compile.

       There was a small crack as Equius braced himself against the wall standing up.  “Shoot,” he cursed.  He shuffled around a moment in his mess of papers, getting his bearings.  “Ms. Pyrope, is that you?  I apologize that I was… indisposed when you came in.”

       “No problem, I now have photographic evidence that you are a sweet little wriggler on the inside.  Grab a towel, big boy, things are getting heated!”  She cackled as she heard a distinctly embarrassed mutter and the quick puff of air signifying that he had, indeed, decaptchalogued a towel.

       “Both of you shut the fuck up,” Sollux hissed, hunching over the keyboard.  After a moment of aggressive tapping by the gemini’s fingers, Equius appeared at his other shoulder, his face shining.  Terezi would have given him a friendly drubbing with her cane if the lock of the universe wasn’t about to open in front of her sniffer.  Sollux continued to frown down at the keyboard.

       One by one the screens flashed to white, then faded to black, a thousand little dots of light beginning to appear like little fizzy pockets of sharp-smelling carbonation.  Fascinated, Terezi leaned as far forward as Sollux would let her.  Were those… stars?  Yes, most definitely stars.  The universe was expanding in front of her like black cola.  It was beautiful.

       “You’re kidding me, you’re fucking kidding me.  All I had to do wath thwitch the wireleth converterth over to a ~ATH thignal,” Sollux muttered at himself.  “God, it wath right there in front of me.”  He smacked a button with a home sign carved into it and leaned back, a little smug and still a lot tired.  With a dizzying whirl, the stars began to move, zooming in on one galaxy, then one branch of the galaxy, then one small solar system sweeping around a little orange sun, then… there it was.  Earth.  

       The screens stopped moving.  A red box began flashing around the little planet as if to indicate that they had discovered a delicious little blue and green prize in a cereal box.

       “The thignal bounthed back.  They’re in our univerthe.  That maketh thith tho much eathier.  Now I jutht have to hack into their world wide web, pull up their hithtory, trathe back to their IP adretheth… and then we’ll have them.”  

       Terezi didn’t have much of a clue of what Sollux was muttering, and by the smell of it neither did Equius, but Sollux was so fiercely concentrated that it didn’t really matter.  In a matter of minutes, the screens went blank again, a black cursor blinking lazily at the top.  Sollux bit his lip for a moment before beginning to type something in.

**===HELLO EARTHLIING.  WE WIILL NEVER COME IIN PEACE.  2URRENDER CALMLY AND QUIICKLY OR MEET YOUR DOOM.===**

       With a cackle, Terezi leaned forward.  Below the text a new cursor appeared, this one bright candy red.  The three trolls held their breath and waited for something to happen.

       After two long, long minutes, the cursor began to move.

** ===COULD HAVE FOOLED ME MAN THE LAST ALIENS I MET WERE FUZZY LITTLE KITTENS WITH HORNS COULDNT EVEN STOP THEMSELVES FROM PURRING IF YOU SCRATCHED BEHIND THEIR EARS RIGHT=== **

       Man, if Sollux Captor hadn’t smelled like death warmed over, Terezi could have slopped a kiss right on his face.  Or… not.  A huge, bone crushing hug worked just as well.  She dived at the keyboard the moment he shook her off, but he shoved her aside again to hunch over the keys.

**===HUMAN II AM GOIING TO PULL UP THE VII2UAL2.  BOTH YOU AND THE 2TUPIID ANNOYIING BLIIND CHIICK WHO II KNOW II2 READIING OVER MY 2HOULDER, JU2T HOLD YOUR DAMN MU2CLEBEA2T2 FOR LIIKE A MIINUTE.===**

** ===MAN THESE MUSCLEBEASTS ARE SO HELD THEY JUST STARTED CRYING ABOUT HOW THEIR DADDY WALKED OUT ON THEM I’M JUST HERE HUGGING THEM AND SHOOSHING THEM AND MAKING SURE THAT THEY STILL FEEL LOVED THE MORNING AFTER=== **

       Sollux let out a snort, fiddling with something else.  An array of webcams above the monitors began to zero in on their faces as he shifted things around, pounding out more strings of code.  Terezi’s blood-pusher beat in her throat as she stared.  The delicious candy red text melted to the bottom of the screens, moving lazily across a scroll bar as Dave kept rambling on, his metaphors getting more and more wayward the farther he went.  The rest of the screen fuzzed over with static, the speakers getting louder.  Three small pictures appeared just above the scroll bar--one of each of their faces.  Finally, the main section of the screens began to come into focus.  Sollux stepped back, watching warily.

       Dave’s river of words dried up as his face came into view.  The speakers went silent aside from a slight rustling that could have been paper in a breeze.  He looked exactly the same as she remembered--a cool kid in shades, so smooth that an unfriendly word would just slip right off him.

       “Coolkid,” Terezi breathed.  She was rewarded by the slightest enigmatic nod of his head, the mark of approval from a dude too cool to grin.  With a wicked smile, she immediately forgot about the psionic swaying on his feet behind her.

       Now they were getting somewhere.


	5. Memo Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's straighten out a few loopholes.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticicst [CG] RIGHT NOW opened TIME-LOCKED memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY

CG titled memo MEMO 5: THE INTERPLANETARY HATE FEST EXTRAORDINAIRE

CG sent invitations to members of group WE’RE ALL ON ALTERNIA HALLELUJAH

CG sent invitations to members of group earth is the greatest yo

CG: SOLLUX.  IS THE FILTER UP?

TA: you bet, baby.

TA: all notiifiicatiion2 and alterniia 2iide re2pon2e2 blocked and fiiltered by relevence.

CG: FUCKING AWESOME.  ARE THE HUMANS ON YET?

TA: ii’m countiing liike four computer2 on the network.

TT: Hello, all.  I’m assuming that everyone has access to these logs?

CG: EVERYONE WHO’S BOTHERING TO BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF OUR LITTLE RENDEZVOUS DOES.  WHERE IN THE PALTRY FUCK ARE THE REST OF YOU GUYS?

EB: hi karkat!  i’m here!

GG: me too!!!

TT: It appears that all parties on our end that are going to join have already.  

CG: AND WHO THE FUCK MIGHT THAT BE?  I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I ASKED EVERY FUCKING ONE TO JOIN.

CG: WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOT OBEYING MY ORDERS?

CG: AM I SERIOUSLY THAT MUCH OF A SHIT-SLIMED RAVING DOUCHE THAT WE CAN’T EVEN HAVE A PROPER FUCKING GATHERING?

TT: That is hardly the issue.  What I meant was that since we have all congregated at Casa Strider at the moment, and there are a limited number of network connected devices, we can only have so many people online at once.  The alpha among us have been delegated to reading-over-shoulder privileges only.

TT: Which, Dirk has reminded me, gives him the unique opportunity to take pictures of the screen without my explicit knowledge.

GG: yeah, so everybody watch your language!

GG: i want this memo civil!!!

TG: civil is my middle name

GG: dav civil stridre ?  sounds kinda confederate if ya ask me.   

TG: yep

GG: o rite.  hey karkittle, gess who???

CG: THE ANNOYINGLY PINK ONE.

GG: OMG thats liek exactly me i gotta go tell dirky you seikd that

GG: *sad

GG: *said

CG: IT’LL HAVE TO DO, I GUESS.

CG: EVERYONE IS AT LEAST IN THE FUCKING VICINITY OF THE MEMO.  WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU SHITSPONGED ASSHOLES USUALLY GIVE ME.

CG: THE HUMANS HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT FOR A WHILE NOW SO I THINK IT’S TIME TO GET EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE HERE.

AG: Speak for yourself, nu8s.

CG: SOLLUX.  HOW IN THE ALMIGHTY GLACIAL HELL WAS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE COMMENT TO GET THROUGH THE FILTER?

TA: ii may have put iin 2ome loophole2 regardiing people fuckiing wiith you.

TA: ii needed 2ome kiind of iincentiive two keep them from iignoriing you alltwogether.

CG: FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE NOSTRILS, SOLLUX CAPTOR.

TG: kinky

GG: *wonk*

TA: ehehehehehe.

CG: WE MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE FACING SOME SERIOUS TROUBLES HERE ON ALTERNIA.

GG: oh no!  

EB: aw man i’m sorry karkat!

EB: jake says 'willy b. whitackers, that doesn't sound good' and i'm not sure what that means but i think i agree.

EB: what’s going on with you guys?

CG: SOMETHING COMPLETELY SERIOUS, SO SOMEBODY SMACK STRIDER PREEMPTIVELY.

TT: Dirk would like to know which Strider in particular.

CG: BOTH OF THEM.

GG: we’ve had some trouble too, except mostly only because john keeps blowing down doors whenever he sneezes. :(  

TG: if there ever was a single point of memory that i didnt need reminding about that was it

EB: i said i was sorry dave.  besides, who masterbates right in front of the door?

WHAT.  WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON OVER THERE ON THAT FLOATING SPECK YOU CALL A PLANET. DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW.

GC: Y3S.  >:]

TG: egbert listen closely

TG: this play at acting like you didnt like what you saw is going to get you into a world of trouble

TG: trust me man i know all about that

TG: its going to be like if earth malfunctioned and you had the plague world war two the holocaust and jerry seinfeld making jokes all at the same time

TG: so just come clean

TG: if you want the plush delicacy that is the strider booty

TG: all you gotta do is come over in the wee hours of the morning all wrapped up like a present with a bow and everything

TG:  ill let you in i promise

TG: you dont have to sneeze my door down

EB: i can’t control it!  omfg but you should have seen his face, karkat.

EB: it was a thing of beauty.

TG: can we stop talking about this soon im running out of the restraint required not to knock that goofy grin off his face

EB: at least i’m better than dirk.

TA: ii’m copy pa2tiing thii2 one becau2e ii’m curiiou2: GC: >:O WH4T DO3S D1RK DO?

TT: He has a fantastic habit of splitting into three distinct versions of himself for an instant every time he sneezes.

TG: its a godawful experience trust me on that one

TG: every time a snot projectile comes out of that kids nose bro flashsteps behind me and gives me a kick in the ass before he gets sucked back into his rightful place in dirks soul or whatever it is that even happens

TG: im not saying that i cant handle it because ive got a whole arsenal of handles ready for whatever crazy stunt that guy throws my way

CG: DAVE.

TG: cant go out of the house without five computers try fifty handles noob

TG: spoon handles drawer handles the handle of that one really old mop in the garage that kind of looks like an old guys beard

CG: FUCKING STRIDER.

TG: im drowning in handles here

TG: gotta be prepared for flu season you know what i mean

CG: I TRY TO BE UNDERSTANDING

CG: BUT THAT WAS THE SINGLE LARGEST LOAD OF INSTA-BRAINMELT THAT I HAVE EVER WITNESSED IN PERSON.

CG: DAVE JUST TAKE YOUR FINGERS AND SHOVE THEM INTO YOUR ANUS.  PLEASE.  THE WORLD WOULD THANK YOU FOR REMOVING THE FUTURE SWILL THAT IS SURE TO COME BLEEDING FORTH FROM YOUR CARELESS FRONDS.

AT: i UHHHH, dON’T THINK THAT’S REALLY, nECESSARY, kARKAT,,,

GG: what on earth was that!!! did you learn nothing at all from living together for three years?

TG: its cool its cool hes just getting back into the strider groove

TG: hasnt been taking me up on all those magnanimous offers to rap

TG: seriously man whats with that i mean im cool with whatever way you bend but why you gotta drop me like a two dollar hooker when you find out shes got worms

TG: sup with that

EB: oh man, karkat, don’t speak about the raps if you value your life.

CG: I HAVE BEEN BUSY, DAVE.

AG: Oh, sn8p!!!!!!!!

CG: REALLY SOLLUX?

CG: OKAY IT’S NICE THAT THE HUMANS ARE IN OUR UNIVERSE AND ALL, BUT I THINK WE NEED TO SET THINGS STRAIGHT.

TG: oh god i knew it youre breaking up with us arent you oh man i cant deal with this egbert come hold me before i do a pirouette off this fucking old man beard mop handle

EB: no way!

CG: CAN EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID RAPS FOR A SECOND.

GG: if only we could!  you don’t know how bad it’s been living with these guys.

GG: they have been shoveling angst around like week old confetti.

GG: you just. don’t. understand.

GG: you cannot understand until you have your nose shoved into bad poetry about going through puberty

GG: THE SECOND TIME.

GG: sooo baaad.

TG: hey now

TG: you hurt a man right where his pump biscuit would be if he had one

CG: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR ILL ADVISED ATTEMPTS AT STRINGING TOGETHER FUNCTIONAL RAPS, STRIDER, SO JUST SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

CG: WHICH I’M NOT IGNORING, YOU ASS GORILLA.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT THAT SOME OF US HAVE THINGS TO DO???

TT: Oh Karkat, you have no idea what a gorilla is at all, do you.

CG: WHAT?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MATTER?  IT’S JUST A STUPID EARTH THING RIGHT?

TT: To us it is, but judging by your usage of the word in recent offhand remarks and it’s innocuous proximity to sexually implicit body parts, I shudder to think that you intended it as anything short of a euphemism for Strider’s human genetalia.

TT: Pray tell, have you gathered us all in order to officially declare your secret longing for Strider’s succulent man meat?  If so I would suggest doing it very quickly, because Strider has been showing leanings toward a certain tall dark and windy, if you know who I mean.

TG: well i never

CG: I’M AT LEAST HALF SURE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT YOUR HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY AND JUST DO THAT STUPID PSYCHOBABBLE BULLSHIT TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.

CG: IN ANY CASE I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY OVERDRAWN THIS EMPATHY ACCOUNT.

CG: THAT’S IT.  THERE’S NO MORE.  ANY MORE INTERRUPTIONS OF THIS NATURE AND I WILL SWIFTLY AND EFFICIENTLY BOOT YOU THE FUCK OFF THIS PLANE.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M SO FUCKING PISSED THAT I’M BOOTING THE FUCKING METAPHOR OFF.

CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, STRI-LONDES?

CG: THERE IS NO LONGER A PLANE ON THIS METAPHOR.

CG: IT IS SO FUCKING GONE THAT IT INCINERATED ON IMPACT, NEVER TO BE HEARD OF AGAIN.

EB: uh, karkat?  are you okay?

CG: NO I VERY WELL AM NOT.  I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING AFRAID IN MY LIFE, AND I AM INCLUDING THE TIME THAT MY FAVORITE JUGGALO CHUCKLEVOODOOD ME ON A METEOR IN THE FURTHEST RING UNTIL I NEARLY PISSED MY PANTS.

GG: don’t pay attention to our stupid bantering, karkat.  we’re all listening!  go ahead.

CG: OKAY.

CG: OKAY I’VE GOT THIS.

CG: YOU GUYS ARE IN OUR UNIVERSE NOW.

TG: yeah buddy orgies all around come on you know you want to

TT: While the urge to strip to my bare skin and bathe in the sweat of a great many people I hardly know has made itself known, I must ask you to please shut the fuck up, Dave.

TT: What exactly are you implying?  That something is inherently different by our planet being placed in conjunction to yours?

CG: YEAH THAT GRUBBING WELL IS WHAT I’M IMPLYING HERE.

CG: AS THE WONDER SISTERS HAVE SO LOVINGLY REMINDED ME,

CG: WE ARE SPACE.  CONQUERORS.

CG: OUR SPECIES HAS LITERALLY DEVOTED MILLENNIA TO RIDING AROUND ON PUMPED UP INTERSTELLAR CRUISERS WITH TOO MUCH JUICE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD IN ORDER TO SMACKDOWN INFERIOR ECOSYSTEMS AND ADD THEM TO OUR ROTTING CORPSE OF AN EMPIRE.

CG: THE DRONES AND THE BATTLESHIPS AND THE CONDESCE HERSELF--ALL THOSE STUPID LITTLE THINGS THAT POOFED OUT OF EXISTENCE WHEN THE GAME BEGAN?  YEAH THOSE EXIST AGAIN IN REAL TIME, AND WE ARE ALL IN TROUBLE.

CG: ME ESPECIALLY SINCE I’LL BE CULLED THE MOMENT ONE OF THE DRONES ASKS FOR A BLOOD SAMPLE.

CG: CAPTOR HAS BEEN SINGLED OUT BY THE EMPIRE AND MIGHT HAVE DRONES COMING AFTER HIM IN A FEW SWEEPS TIME TO STRAP HIM INTO A SPACESHIP, OKAY, THESE GUYS DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF EMPATHY, NOT EVEN FOR THEIR OWN SPECIES.

CG: YOU GUYS NEED TO BE PREPARED TO BE INVADED BY THE ALTERNIAN FLEET AT ANY TIME.

CG: IT’S KIND OF A THING WE’RE KNOWN FOR, AND WE’VE DONE IT TO YOU BEFORE.  IT IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.

EB: oh my god would it be like war of the worlds? or atlantis or something?

EB: that is so sweet!

CG: HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU MET OUR EMPRESS, JOHN?

CG: NO REALLY, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT YOU AND STRIPPED ALL OF YOUR MUSCLES OFF IN ONE WAVE OF HER FRIGID REGAL HAND?

CG: BECAUSE I DO.  AND SURPRISE SURPRISE, YOU AREN’T THE FUCKING BREEZE ANYMORE.

TT: It is my understanding that we reside some fifty million stellar units from you in a mostly unmapped part of the universe.  Is there any particular reason why you are so worried now?

CG: THOUGH I HATE TO SAY IT, YES.  AND THAT REASON IS A SKINNY NERD WHOSE STUPID ANAGLYPH FACE I WANT TO PUNCH DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.  FOR THE SECOND TIME. OH THE IRONY.

TG: wowza youre setting my loins alight with your beautiful words

TA: that make2 one of u2.  2hee2h kk are you a mood kiiller riight now.

CG: HE’S BEEN WORKING TO HACK INTO THE IMPERIAL NETWORK, AND HE’S FOUND AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE THAT THE IMPERIAL SHIPS ARE A LOT FARTHER THAN THE PUBLIC KNOWS.

CG: AND WITH EACH PASSING DAY, NOT ONLY DO THE SHIPS GET CLOSER TO YOU GUYS, THE DAY OF OUR INITIATION INTO THE RANKS OF THE IMPERIAL TROOPS INCHES TOWARDS US.

CG: AND NOT TO PUT TOO FINE A POINT ON IT, BUT AT LEAST A THIRD OF US ARE BASICALLY DEAD MEAT IF THAT HAPPENS, IF NOT ALL OF US FOR BEING KNOWN CONSPIRATORS WITH THE HEIR TO THE FUCKING THRONE.

CG: WE’LL BE TORN INTO LITTLE INSIGNIFICANT FLESH-BITS OR WORSE IF WE’RE STILL AROUND BY THE TIME THE SHIPS COME FOR US.

CG: AND I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN.

TT: I’m assuming that since there is a memo, there is a plan.

CG: YEAH, AND THAT’S WHY I WANTED EVERYONE HERE.

CG: HERE’S HOW IT’S GOING TO GO DOWN.

CG: THIS MEMO IS GOING TO BE DELETED AND FLUSHED FROM THE INTERNET, SO EVERYBODY PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION AND BURN THIS INTO YOUR MEMORIES.

CG: WHEN WE NEED TO PUT THE PLAN INTO MOTION, I’M GOING TO OPEN AN EMPTY MEMO AND NAME IT ‘THE CAGE’

AG: ::::D

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  

CG: THE ONLY THING THAT IS GOING TO BE TYPED IN THE MEMO IS ONE OF THREE WORDS:

CG: GREEN, MEANING WE’RE ROLLING.  EITHER THE TIME HAS COME FOR US TO SHUT DOWN THIS NETWORK UNTIL WE CAN ESTABLISH SOMETHING OUT IN THE GREAT BANAL STRETCHES OF OUR PLANETS VOMITOUS WASTELANDS, OR THE SHIPS ARE HEADING TO EARTH. EVERYONE WHO’S ESCAPING THE DRONES PACK UP AS ASS-BACKWARDS SLOWLY AS YOU WANT TO AND WE’LL MEET AT ARADIAS;

CG: YELLOW, MEANING GET INTO GEAR, DON’T DO ALL THE STUPID FUCKING USELESS CRAP I KNOW YOU ALWAYS DO, AND GET TO THE EDGE OF THE WILDERNESS BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS BEEN COMPROMISED;

CG: OR RED, MEANING EVERYTHING IS PROBABLY SCREWED BACKWARDS ON A CHEESE GRATER, NO ONE IS SAFE, AND THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY ALREADY FUCKED AND YOU SHOULD MAKE A WILD SPRINT FOR WHATEVER SAFE HAVEN MAY EXIST OUT IN THE WILD.  

CG: ALTERNIANS, UNDERSTOOD?

TA: ii’ve got ten affiirmatiive2.

TA: al2o there are 2ome iintere2tiing convo2 happeniing on a certaiin alternate memo board.

CG: FUCK. THAT.

EB: it’s pretty sweet!

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?

CG: SO LONG AS THEY’RE STILL PAYING ATTENTION I COULDN’T GIVE LESS OF A SHIT.

TT: Where does this leave us?

CG: NOWHERE GOOD, REALLY.  WE CAN’T REALLY DO MUCH TO HELP YOU FROM WHERE WE ARE.  THE BEST WE CAN DO IS TO GIVE YOU A WARNING THAT SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.

CG: WHICH BRINGS ME AROUND TO MY NEXT POINT.

CG: FEFERI, ERIDAN… YOU NEED TO HUNKER DOWN WITH GL’BGOLYB.

TG: yeah okay im off to get a sandwich anyone want one

TT: The least you could do is listen to their plans.  Our lives are on the line and you want pickled onions?

TG: hey if im gonna die then i deserve one last sandwich

TG: besides we already lost like half of the party

CG: ROSE IT’S FINE, I DON’T THINK YOU CAN HELP WITH MUCH FROM HERE ON OUT.

CG: UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE AN EXPERT ON REVOLUTION AND CONQUEST, WHICH I WOULDN’T PUT PAST YOU, IN WHICH CASE YOU HAD BETTER STAY AND HELP US OUT.

TT: Unfortunately not.  All the same I shall remain here on the off chance that I can offer input.

TG: im out

EB: yeeeeeeeeah… jade fell asleep on my shoulder and she’s putting my arm to sleep.

CG: JUST PREPARE YOURSELVES.  I DON’T WANT TO GET NEWS ABOUT ANY DEAD HUMAN CARCASSES ANYTIME SOON, GOT IT?

EB: will do!

TG: see ya karkat

TG: sollux

TG: my troll bros

TG: my trollskis

TG: aight peace

CG: ...

CG: IS HE FUCING GONE YET?

TA: eh look2 liike iit.

CG: OKAY WHERE WAS I?

CC: W)(y do we need to go down to Gl’bgolyb?  S)(e’s perfectly fin alone down t)(ere!

CG: I DON’T THINK SHE NEEDS A HAND TO HOLD, FEFERI.

CG: GET DOWN WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND YOU AND BEGIN TRAINING, NOW.

CG: IF WE CAN OVERTHROW THE EMPRESS, THEN WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP THE WHOLE INVADING THING BEFORE IT BECOMES AN INVASION.

CC: Are you sure we )(ave to krill )(er?

CG: I'M NOT EVEN RESPONDING TO THAT.

CT: D---> I would like to know how you e%pect this to happen when the rest of us are either dead or on inconsequential transport vessels

CG: I’M GETTING THERE, HOLY FUCKING ASS LICKING SHIT.

TA: aw you made hiim mad.

CG: *WHY* DO I PUT UP WITH YOU???

CG: ME, SOLLUX, TAVROS, EQUIUS, AND NEPETA ARE GOING TO BACK UP THE SEADWELLERS.

CG: WITH SOLLUX’S LINK INTO THE IMPERIAL NETWORK, WE CAN AT LEAST MAKE IT VERY FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR CONDY TO TRACK US.

CG: WE’LL DISAPPEAR THE MOMENT THINGS START GETTING HOT HERE.  OR, BARRING THAT, THE MOMENT THE PAILING DRONES COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR.

CG: AT LEAST IN THEORY.

AT: iS THERE, mAYBE, a BACKUP THEORY, jUST IN CASE,

CG: IT’S DO OR DIE, TAVROS.  WE JUST GOTTA SUCK IT THE FUCK UP AND DIVE IN.

CG: IF IT FAILS… WELL, WE CAN JUST FUCKING CLAP THE LISPING MORON ON THE BACK AS THE WORLD GOES TO HELL.

TA: good two know.

CG: NOW THOSE OF YOU I JUST LISTED: IF A DRONE FUCKING FARTS NEAR YOU, YOU COME TO ME AND WE’LL GET THE PLAN IN MOTION.

CG: ARADIA, YOU ARE KEEPING AN EYE ON THE CITY.  THE DRONES WON’T COME FOR YOU UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING EXTREMELY STUPID SINCE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.  

CG: KANAYA, GAMZEE, YOU TWO ARE GOING TO BE INSIDE THE SUBJUGGLATORS SYSTEM.  WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

CG: TEREZI, YOU’RE INFILTRATING THE LEGISLACERATORS.  KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

CG: VRISKA… I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN ALL THIS GOES DOWN.

AG: I’ll pro8a8ly go jack the legislacer8ors 8ecause I’ve got nothing 8etter to do.

CG: FUCKING SPLENDID.

CG: SO THERE’S THE GAME PLAN.  

CG: NOW UH…

CG: IN REGARDS TO SPLITTING AND HIDING AND ALL THAT...

CG: TAVROS NOT TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT BUT DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT WANT TO GO ON THE RUN BEFORE YOU CONTRIBUTE YOUR SLURRY?  

CG: BIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING YOU ARE THE FIRST IN LINE FOR TIER ONE FILIAL RELATIONS SO IF YOU WERE PLANNING ON RUNNING BEFORE THAT IT WOULD BE NICE TO KNOW.

TA: oh wow am ii takiing off the fiilter2 for thii2.

AT: uh,

CG: NOT THAT I HAVE ANY FUCKING INTEREST IN THE TORRID CLUSTERFUCK THAT IS YOUR LOVE LIFE.

GA: Karkat Is This Really Necessary

CG: I’M ONLY ASKING BECAUSE I’M PLANNING A REBELLION.

CG: THE MORE TIME WE HAVE TO PREPARE BEFORE WE SPLIT THE BETTER OFF WE’LL BE.

AT: uHHHH,,,

CG: SO… JUST PRETEND I DIDN’T JUST ASK LITERALLY THE MOST AWKWARD QUESTION ON THE SURFACE OF ALTERNIA AND GIVE ME AN ANSWER.

AT: i GUESS i HAVEN’T, rEALLY, tALKED IT OUT WITH MY QUADRANTS YET?

AT: bUT i, uH, pERSONALLY HAVE NO, uH, nO RESERVATIONS ABOUT, tHE, uH, dRONES,,,

AT: sO i GUESS,

AT: vRISKA, gAMZEE, iF YOU DON’T, uH,,,

AT: oBJECT?

AG: Wow, way to make it awkward Nitram!!!!!!!!

TA: thii2 ii2 fanta2tiic, iin ca2e anyone wa2 wonderiing.

CG: FAIRLY SURE MY SHAME GLAND IS GOING TO EXPLODE IN ABOUT TWO POINT FOUR MORE SECONDS OF THIS.

CG: JUST

CG: SOMEBODY GIVE ME AN ANSWER HERE.

AG: Mmmmmmm, you know I’ll do anything for the re8ellion, right Karkaaaaaaaat?  Even 8ending poor Nitram over a ta8le and f8cking him stupid.

CG: I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR INSANELY FLIPPANT MASS OF HAIR AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT FOR MAKING ME READ ALL THE WORDS IN THAT SENTENCE. 

CG: FUCK YOU.

AC: :33< *ac wags her tail excitedly*

CG: PLATONICALLY.

CG: GOD I HAVE NEVER FELT SO AWKWARD IN MY ENTIRE FAILURE OF EXISTENCE.

AT: uH, gOOD NEWS, i GUESS?

AT: gAM JUST MESSAGED ME AND HE SAYS HE’S, oKAY WITH IT, eXCEPT NOT EXACTLY IN THOSE, uH, wORDS, sO,,,

CG: OKAY GOOD.  THAT MAKES THINGS EASIER.

CG: NOW.  DARE I FUCKING ASK.  CAPTOR?

TA: wouldn’t you liike two know.

CG: DON’T FUCK WITH ME FUCKASS.  I KNOW IT PAINS YOU TO HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YES OR NO SINCE THEY COME IN SUCH A NEAT LITTLE SLOBBERWAD OF DUALITY THAT YOU CREAM YOURSELF IMAGINING IT.

CG: BUT I NEED AN ANSWER.

CG: YES OR NO?

TA: iimagiine me creamiing my pant2 often, loverboy?

CG: THERE IS NOTHING EXCEPT THE FLIMSY REALITY OF SPACE-TIME STOPPING ME FROM TELEPORTING TO YOUR SMUG LITTLE NERD-TOPIA AND PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE.

CG: OH WAIT, I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE OF HIJACKING PHYSICS, I CAN LITERALLY WALK UPSTAIRS AND INSERT MY FIST IN YOUR FUCKING NOSTRILS.

TA: wow calm your pant2 there kk.

CG: YOU INFURIATE ME TO A LEVEL UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.  IT IS ASTRONOMICAL, THE AMOUNT OF HATRED I HAVE FOR YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

TA: that tone of piitch ii2 completely uncalled for.

TA: 2low your roll man ed’2 got diib2 on thii2 choiice a22.  2orry two lead you on liike a half-cocked teenage me22. oh waiit. that’2 not a 2iimiile wiith you.

CG: GIVE ME A FUCKING YES OR NO.  AND/OR. 0 OR 1.  HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION YET YOU BINARY FREAK?

TA: tell me how you really feel.

GA: Sollux I Think It Would Be Wise To Answer

GA: Preferable Before You Say Something Truly Regrettable

CG: FUCKING THANK YOU, KANAYA.

TA: ugh ii 2ee how iit iis.

TA: anyway the an2wer ii2 nah, ii’m fiine contriibutiing.

TA: another way two fuck over the empiire, am ii right?

TA: let em have a load of my 2hiity dna.

TA: another few generatiion2 and the whole 2peciie2 wiill explode or 2omethiing.

CG: OKAY WOW THAT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

CG: HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED A MOIRAIL?

CG: BECAUSE NEWS FLASH--YOU DO.

TA: take your bone bulge and choke on iit, kk.

GA: May I Remind You That You Two Are Still On A Very Public Memo

GA: So Public In Fact That It Transcends The Boundaries Of Singular Planetary Networks

TA: ii2 that a 2ubtle way of remiindiing u2 that LL ii2 watchiing every move we make.

CG: OH GOD ROSE. FUCK I FORGOT SHE WAS HERE OH HOLY FUCKING GRUBSAUCE.

CG: QUICK SOMEBODY WIPE HER MEMORY BEFORE SHE

TT: I’m very sorry, Karkat, but I’ve already written out my psych notes on your very obvious, very reciprocated ashen feelings.  The notebook is already full.  Attempting to do anything to the synapses that make up my memory would do you no good.

TA: ehehehehe ii remembered why ii liiked you, LL.

TT: I will ignore your terrible personality momentarily in order to fully appreciate the compliment.

TT: Thank you, you are too kind.

CG: I AM IN SORE NEED OF A TUB FULL OF TAR INTO WHICH TO THRUST MY HEAD.

CT: D---> How l00d

CT: D---> If you wish to continue this nonsense I must ask you to fill me in on the important bits at a later time

TA: thru2t ii2 an iintere2tiing choiice of word2.

CG: OH MY GOD.

TT: Well done, my protegee.

TA: ehehehehehe.

GA: Sollux

CG: WOW THIS IS

CG: THIS IS BEYOND EVEN MY MAGNANIMOUS HUMOR.

CG: I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU PEOPLE ANY LONGER.

CG: NEPETA, YOU’RE THE LAST ONE IN LINE BEFORE THE DRONES GET TO ME, SO MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT YOUR DECISION.

CG: I AM GETTING THE FUCK OFF OF THIS SINKING SHITHOLE.

TA: waiit kk.

CG: FUCKING WHAT?

TA: diid you 2ay…

CG: CAPTOR.

CG: DON’T YOU EVEN DARE.

CG: IF WHAT I THINK IS GOING TO COME TUMBLING OFF YOUR FRONDS COMES TUMBLING OFF YOUR FRONDS I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL ACTIVELY DISMEMBER YOU IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR CHILDHOOD CRUSHES.

TA: priiiiiiiiiiiiiivate?

CG closed memo MEMO 5: THE INTERPLANETARY HATE FEST EXTRAORDINAIRE


	6. A Half A Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of the start of a new revolution, Karkat Vantas is having a few (read: many) problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many apologies for the delay. I always knew I wouldn't be very regularly posting, but I didn't think people would get invested ever, so I'm sorry! I'll see what I can do about figuring out a posting schedule.

            The most wretched, unhappy sigh ever to be witnessed crawling from the throat of a member of the troll species was heard half a sweep after the game ended.  It was a sound of pure elemental exhaustion that slipped like a bubble from the lips of an outer god, though in reality it was more like a snort than any sort of poetic exhalation.  Karkat, the troll sighing, came through his front door only to sink onto the raised sitting platform in the corner of his livingblock.  He had barely settled himself down when a series of vague pitch flirtations started drifting through the ceiling from the network center.  He aimed a middle finger upward.  

            His house, the lovely house that had kept him safe from drones all his life and helped him through all the strange and annoying obstacles of the game, was turning into a brothel.  Thankfully it was only Sollux and Ampora right now--Terezi’s debaucherous laugh waking him up for the seventh time in the middle of the day was something akin to the humans’ cruel and unusual punishment.  Having her hanging around on top of the two of them pitch-flirting round the clock was going to trigger the start of his vile brain chemicals drilling a hole through the thickest part of his skull plate.  Not pleasant, and Karkat would make sure she knew it.

            Unfortunately, he would have to wait for the skull drilling, because for whatever reason the blind chick had flown coop.  Instead, the tired, lispy grumble and the high, strident seadweller lilt battled for the badge of ‘most annoying voice ever to disgrace the auricular sponge clots of Karkat Vantas’.  He couldn’t make out what they were saying through the matter of his own arms--clamped about his ears like some disgusting mutant-blood earmuffs--a few pillows, and several layers of building, but the tone was coming through strong enough.  He tried to glare so hard that they would get the message and just shut up.  How they were still annoyingly impervious to his straight-up, near-psychic applications of sheer, unmitigated hatred, he didn’t know.  God, how did he end up with two morons hive-crashing again?  Oh, right--the unadulterated stupidity of his past self is how.

            Outside the window the wind blew fresh pollen around in a happy little dance, and Karkat groaned just long enough to throw an arm over his eyes.  Why was nature so pleased?  Who gave the world the right to be content when he was about ready to abandon his own hive and become a hermit somewhere deep underground?

            Things were different, now that everyone had been back nearly half a sweep.  And these things, though nothing that Karkat couldn’t handle, were things that kept him up days.  Not that he would ever admit that to any of the assholes he knew, except maybe to John when he and Karkat had leader chats in the spare moments they could both get together.  The problem was that during the game there had always been plans, irons in the fire, blah blah blah, but now?  Now things were getting real.  There were no level-ups.  No boosters, no instructions, no outside help.  Karkat had so much to worry about, he was glad when he could sort out what day it was.  And having the doom duo upstairs, blithering around and getting on everyone’s nerves, was just grubsauce on the succulent dessert pastry.

            Sollux, the guy who had spent most of the game trying to avoid being involved with anything at all costs, was now central to a large chunk of the shenanigans being committed by their inclade.  And, haha, since he’d chosen Karkat’s hive to crash, Karkat found that he had a backseat ride to hell via interstellar nerdom.  Karkat Vantas, the once great leader, had been delegated to trying to keep track of twelve bawling idiots, babysitting them when they couldn’t figure out how to install the latest Double-Mobius network chips to connect to Sollux’s closed network, and trying to reason with them (mostly by screaming) when they demanded off-planet connections with the humans despite the fact that no, they could NOT have human contact information on their private devices because yes, ALL alternian technology had an anti-indoctrination function that allowed Her Imperious Crust-Encased Bitchiness to monitor any drives basically on a whim.  Organizing this whole rebellion debacle was going about as badly as it possibly could.  Worse than he’d ever thought it would.  Which, considering that Karkat basically lived off of on-screen melodrama, was saying something. 

            At least there was no one pounding on the door right this very second.  His vocal chords were enjoying the nice, if probably short-lived, vacation.  He was planning on melting right into the couch to sleep for a short eternity.  He had nothing pressing to yell about, unless he wanted to activate his webcam and start ranting at Vriska, who had been complaining nonstop about having to use the improvised aquatic-quadrupedal-undulation-apparatuses that Equius had pulled together even though she was godtier, and that was not something he really wanted to do.  Something about having to scavenge with Feferi for carrion to feed their mothers was just rubbing Vriska ass backwards.  What the hell was her problem with trying to keep a low profile?  Aradia was going down to the depths, too, and SHE didn’t feel the need to literally bitch him out.

            Then again, Aradia kept insisting on updating him on the things she was finding in the seadweller ruins down by Feferi’s hive.  Fuck her.  Why were literally all his companions so difficult?  And it wasn’t even as if they were actively fucking things up--all things considered, coming through the end screen of the game had done some amazing things toward keeping everyone together and not... well... not murdering each other. 

            Karkat shimmied down to the end of the reclining platform, curling up into a ball.  He would give it three seconds for someone to burst into the hive in dire need of his sage advice. If the gods had any sort of decency, no one would appear, and he would celebrate the fact that not one of his friends was actively involved in screwing something up and over. He would give his body the damn rest it deserved.  He counted in his head.  One second.  Two.  Ah, three.  He yawned widely, settling in.  It even sounded as if the bickering upstairs might start abating. 

            He twitched once.  Turned over.  Threw another pillow over his head to dampen the enticing glow of the green moon coming through his window.  Then, with a groan as deep as he was, he shot up in his seat.  Despite the quiet there was still one puny, fish-flavored thorn in his nook that was beginning to fester in the ensuing toxic stagnation.  That thorn went by the name of Eridan Fucking Ampora. 

            Karkat ignored the insistent little voice that kept trying to tell him to confront what was really wrong, instead choosing to start pacing, grumbling to himself.  Amporas in general were usually considered mentally-disturbed--that was just a fact of the universe.  He had been presented with the utterly delightful laughriot of dealing with Eridan’s ultra-perv dancester back in the bubbles, a memory that was more than welcome to shank itself with an unlubricated piece of coral, and he distinctly recalled wondering if perhaps being batshit insane just ran in their blood.  Eridan, while probably the tamer of the two Amporas he’d met, still had this incredible tendency to blow things out of proportion and come down hard on the worst possible conclusions.  It was a personality flaw that had followed him ever since Karkat had met the guy.  The real difference now was that he had both Eridan and Sollux basically squatting in his hive, and they would not. Stop. Bickering.

            Apparently, karma wasn’t convinced that having a perpetually sleep-deprived yellow-blooded mutant who was the deserving victim of a lot of very stupid emotional whiplash living out of the attic was punishment enough for Karkat’s miserable failure as a god during Sgrub.  It wasn’t enough that he had to listen to enraged nerd at all hours of the day and night, despite the fact that he spent every waking hour mediating relationship problems and having people screaming down his throat because oh, sucking it up and fondling their shame globes is simply too hard to do (Vriska).  Oh, no, it wasn’t even enough that he’d had to physically kick Terezi out of the house before she and Kanaya came to a head.  It was _after_ all of that pain and frustration that the universe had seen fit to go and dump a lapful of mentally disturbed Ampora right on top of him, a move that completed the absolute glory of the utter failure graced upon the planet by the untenably presumptuous distortions caused by Karkat Vantas, the worst friendleader in the history of the world.

            And Ampora wasn’t even the horrible part, the part that was really eating away at the tissues holding his pitiful body together.  There simply did not exist in the world patience enough to attempt a coherent thought about the actual issue here, which was the predicament with Sollux, _ugh_ , where to even _start_.

            Karkat groaned and rolled around a little, giving in to his wrigglerish fears for a moment. 

            Why, oh why had he put himself in this situation?  Why was he still putting up with all of these grubfucking idiots?  Okay yeah, he could maybe cut some slack for the nerd-in-charge.  Once in a while.  Even if it made him want to stick his bulge in a sewer grate.  If he was being honest, he didn’t actually care about all the many levels of frustration he was enduring.  Mostly he was just secretly grateful that Sollux wasn’t picking at the delicate web of feelings that suspended the two of them in limbo.  Captor knew (for a token value of the word) when to shut his obtusely fanged mouth.  It was hard enough trying to lasso in Vriska and hide from drones and watch over the vampclown duo without also trying to pick apart just how much you actually hated your best friend.  Who happened to kind of live in your house.  With his kismesis.

            The kismesis who COULD NOT KEEP HIS FISH-ENCRUSTED MOUTH SHUT TO SAVE HIS LIFE.  The fact that Karkat now had a spooked, jealous seadweller on top of every single possible problem that had ever even thought about existing in regards to the pain-in-the-ass reconfiguration of twelve sort-of-but-not-quite friends who had been torn apart and glued back together using nothing more than spit and half-hearted binary, which was EXACTLY the number of problems that had ended up on the food plateau of Karkat Vantas, was just fan-frickin-tastic.

            Karkat groaned yet again, into his elbow this time, too tired to articulate anything more than an intelligible noise that encompassed his complete disgust with the world.  Whose brilliant idea was it to have his be the hive closest to the center of the cluster of the twelve of them?  Probably his own.  Stupid wriggler decisions.  And then, like the complete moron he was, he’d agreed to allow the bifurcated mutant free dibs on his electricity.  It was the worst idea he’d ever squirted out past his cerebral cortex.  Why did he think that was a good idea? 

            Oh, right, it was because it was just plain easier to avoid grumbling of the horrendous lispy variety if the nerd was allowed to sleep on one of the reclining platforms in the upper part of the hive after wiping himself out expending skull numbing amounts of energy on the maintenance of the computers and insisting on at least being in the room whenever off-planet transmissions were sent.  And yeah, it wasn’t Sollux’s fault that most of the people who were sending messages to the humans had no sense of scheduling and kept doing it dayside on the troll end, when normal people would be asleep.  Maybe Karkat had been up there a little later than necessary once or twice in order to confer with a fellow leader, but he wasn’t nearly as bad as Terezi was.  Honestly, her and Dave were two identical boils on the ass of a blind prophet.  The way his hive was overrun with the troll equivalents of oozing sores and he was watching as twelve sacks of pus bashed into one another with the delicacy of bloated rambeasts--someone was going to have a meltdown, and soon.  Karkat could sense it like a terrible psychic gift.  The only question was whether he was going to snap at them before Crabdad did. 

            Crabdad--who was currently in the kitchen skreeing at the top of his lungs, adding to the general noise level--was convinced that there was a frat-party’s worth of intruders hanging around.  While it wasn’t too far off the mark, at least Karkat understood the reasoning behind Sollux’s descent into hermitdom in the attic.  Even if he didn’t care to really wrap his overextended brain around it. 

            Karkat sighed at a louder, more indignant skree, patting down his pants pockets.  He was out of roe cubes.  Fuck.  He could only sit and pray that his idiotic lusus didn’t get overly fed-up and scuttle up the stairs again.  The last time had cost them a fucking shit ton in repair work that Equius had to front for because none of the lowbloods had any more building material slotted to them.  Watching his lusus and the mess of sort-of house guests whine back and forth in perfectly locksteped idiocy might have been worth a good laugh if it didn’t necessitate ignoble amounts of supplies and a complete leave of sanity in order to endure it.

            The fact that he was even in this situation was a thing that Karkat flatly refused to understand. 

            A high-pitched whine of seadweller proportions reverberated through the air, and Karkat aimed a kick at the reclining platform, as furious as he’d ever been.  If he had a doomsday virus to unleash upon this place, he would.  Life was out to punch him in the bulge.  He clawed furiously at one of the extra moduses that had been left on the downstairs table, forgetting that it was a fingerpaint modus and was going to coat his fingers in slime if he wasn’t careful.

            The thing was, he didn’t even hate Eridan for the stupid things that came out of his mouth.  He didn’t give much of a flying fuck about Eridan, aside from the secret gossipy chats they had once in a while.  What was really getting his intimate clothing into twists was the fact that Eridan’s stupid whining just made the ball of pitch aimed at Sollux get darker, which was something that he could not bear to see happen.  A deep, unsettling panicky feeling rose up in his chest whenever he thought about it, and that there was the only reason he didn’t actually get off his ass and kick them both out of the hive. 

            He stared down at his hands.  They were covered in a purple that was just shy of indigo.  He hastily wiped them off, studiously ignoring the sound of feet pacing upstairs.  Instead, he crumbled down into the chair in front of his husktop, and basically did the computer equivalent of slapping the icon for Trollian.  Got to get his mind off of things.  Goody for him, a whole new slew of messages.  Better get right on those.

            The first one was a few hours old, a scant couple lines of yellow text which Karkat studiously ignored because come on, if the asshole needed him that badly he could walk down the fucking stairs.  He had eyeballs.  Karkat rolled his own and continued scrolling until he found someone who was only slightly less annoying but who wasn’t currently living anywhere on his property.  He sighed and clicked on the blue text.

 

CT: D -->  Vantas

CT: D -->  If at all possible

CT: D -->  Release to me the latest of the highb100d’s new profile names

CT: D -->  Er

CT: D -->  Please

CT: D -->  I would sincerely like to contact Mr. Makara in order to apologize for my very inconsiderate mentioning of his rather obvious rage issues

CT: D -->  I did not realize at the time e%actly how skittish he is regarding our shared experiences within the game, although that in itself seems to be partially the issue with regards to his recurring problems with rage, as the purple blooded human has e%plained to me

CT: D -->  I myself suffer similarly and I only wished to e%press concern that he

CT: D -->  Contain himself if we were to meet in person

CT: D -->  It seems that in admitting these concerns I only managed to frighten him off

CT: D -->  He seemed… very upset

CT: D -->  And I am unable to get ahold of Kanaya

 

            Those two were a tripwire just waiting to be triggered.  Karkat punched out a quick reply, telling the socially-awkward blue-blood to JUST WAIT HIM OUT HE’LL SEND THE NEW PROFILE NAME WHEN HE’S FUCKING READY, YOU KNOW THAT THE DUDE IS A CAPRICIOUS FUCKTARD.  HE’S GOING THROUGH SOME PRETTY HEAVY SHIT.  AND ALSO--THE HUMANS ALL HAVE FUCKING MUTANT BLOOD, THEY TYPE WITH THEIR FUCKING EYE COLOR YOU GODDAMN HEMONORMATIVE MAGGOT.  Equius responded swiftly, mostly just to reprimand him on his usage of utterly shithive maggots amounts of profanity, but Karkat was already moving on.  God, how did Nepeta even have the globes to work against his industrial grade bullshit all day, every day?  Karkat would have shaken his head if he wasn’t already eyeballs deep in the next messages, which, funny enough, were forwards from a proxy that Sollux had set up so that he could troll the humans without a direct connection to the outbound network--these ones were from the purple human herself.

 

TT: Yes, re: your latest memo point about the appearance of random memories due to game shenanigans--I do believe that the theory of total splinter selves coming together in the wake of Sburb/Sgrub world reassembly is one with merit.

TT: There are, however, a few things that concern me about this realization. 

 

            Karkat let out a groan.  It looked like she’d just opened a philosophy textbook and copy-pasted a number of superfluous definitions out of it.  Like he had either the time or the patience required to dredge through the slurry of purple pus oozing down the screen.  Dealing with Rose wasn’t what a troll could call _not_ -terrible-enough-to-beat-one’s-brain-out-with-a-culling-fork on a normal basis--when she went on existential forays into memory lane, quite literally, she was a spitting fire of pure sanity repellant.  Karkat closed the tab on her long-winded message and flicked through his inbox once more, looking for someone, anyone, who wouldn’t make his frustration any worse than it already was.

 

AT: i KNOW THAT, uH, yOU WOULD RATHER i DIDN’T TALK ABOUT THE, sORT OF, pROBLEMATIC THING, tHAT MIGHT BE OUT THERE, bUT,,,

AT: i’M BEING VERY SERIOUS WITH YOU WHEN i SAY THAT, uM, tHE ANIMALS ARE SERIOUSLY SCARED, aND, uM, i REALLY, rEALLY THINK THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ACTUALLY LOOK INTO THIS,

AT: nOT THAT i’M, uH, tELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, bECAUSE THAT WOULD BE RUDE,

AT: i’M JUST NOT SURE THAT SITTING AROUND AND IGNORING IT IS REALLY SOMETHING WE SHOULD BE DOING?

AT: bECAUSE THIS THING, tHIS WHATEVER IT IS, iS STILL KIND OF, uH,,,

AT: hUGE,

AT: sO, i GUESS, uH, jUST TAKE A MOMENT, aND CONSIDER IT?

           

            Karkat, as was the proper response of a leader of his caliber, took a moment and considered it.  Yes, it was strange.  No, he didn’t really care.  The animals were animals, they did their own thing, and WHY THE HELL WAS EVERYONE GETTING SO ANTSY OVER SHIT THEY DIDN’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT?  He didn’t understand what the problem was.  Why take time to bite your claws over a sound out in the wilderness when there were very real threats of drones pulling your filtration sponges out of your nasal cavities?  Besides, Nepeta and Aradia had scoured the tundra for anything amiss, and there was nothing there.

            That was the thing with these people--they were like scared little barkbeasts, yowling at every little thing that moved, and--

_Ping!_

 

tediousCarnivore [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist

 

            Oh, fuck.

 

TC: hey buddy.  Can I talk at you?

 

            Okay, Karkat thought, you’ve got this.  The murderclown just wanted to talk.  Karkat could stand to talk to the fucking guy.  Even though every single thing he did continued to scratch at the little place in the cancer’s pan that was specifically designed to detect clown-flavored fuckups.  He leaned back and squinted as he read, like that would keep the purple words from flaying him inside out.  He was still teetering on the edges of regret after he said that they could stay hatefriends, and the pan-shatteringly stupid noise he’d been hearing from that direction lately hadn’t been helping in the least.

 

TC: uh, right.

TC: you’re busy

TC: it’s just

TC: i gotta talk to you?

TC: about that thing we got our convo on back a few motherfucking nights ago?

TC: promise I’m not spacing

TC: okay I know you said that maybe I shoulda kept it to myself

TC: I got the full knowing of that we aren’t nowhere close to diamonds anymore

TC: and the horn thing ain’t your problem none

 

            Damn right, it’s not.  Karkat snorted.  The self inflicted horn scratching of his ex-moirail was most DEFINITELY not his problem.  Instead of clicking out of the window like he probably should do, he propped his jaw on his hand and kept reading.  It was better than talking to Sollux, anyway.  If only by the breadth of one measly little hair from a squeakbeast’s asshole.

 

TC: it’s just that I talked over it with Kansis and she was all telling me what I already figured

TC: which was that I gotta get things all out in the open

TC: no vents to all conceal my hide for me no more, right?

TC: i just don’t want none of you to feel like you’re unsafe because you ain’t, not with kansis around.

TC: the harshwhimsies ain’t what you all deserve

TC: specially not kittysis and equibro

TC: nepeta and equius

TC: AH MOTHERFUCK

TC: i’m just trying to say here

TC: that i’m trying to get better

TC: and even if that means i gotta maybe

TC: PUT A FEW CLAWS UP IN MY OWN ANATOMY TO GET IT ALL CONTROLLED

TC: doesn’t mean i’m maybe trying to blame you

TC: BECAUSE I NEVER WILL

TC: what happened was my own damn fault

TC: EQUIUS SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO BE FEARING MY BLASPHEMOUS SELF

TC: i’m just the stupid motherfucker

TC: WHAT FIGURED HE WAS TWO MOTHERFUCKING GODS

TC: ah motherfucking

TC: MOTHERFUCK

TC: sorry bro i gotta get gone

 

            Karkat picked at the edges of the husktop’s keys, his claws hanging onto the letters.  What the fuck was he even supposed to say to that?  What could he say?  Nah, man, don’t claw yourself up because it’ll keep your friends safe?  Why the hell was he looking at the one thing that made him feel worse than thinking about Sollux?

            He banged his head onto the desk, pulling his hair.  Why was he the leader, why did he have to get all territorial way back when and make all this his problem?  Past-Karkat forever was and forever will be a fucking pan-shattered moron.  He looked up at the screen from where his head was pressed into the chitin desktop, poking at his mouse until he could click on the chat client that would connect him remotely to John’s account, hoping that if he just drowned out his squirming insides with one of the friendleader conversations that usually devolved into ranting about why Con Air couldn’t compare to any of the cinematic enterprises of the Alternian Emp--what the hell.

            Karkat angrily wiggled the mouse. His computer had better not have just crashed on him.  Of all the times it could pick to black out... maybe the power was out.  Wouldn’t be the first time, what with Sollux basically siphoning off a good ninety percent of the entire neighborhood’s power. The complaints coming from the greenblood across the street were getting ridiculous.

            Then yellow text began rolling across the black screen, and Karkat gnashed his teeth, giving up on ever experiencing contentedness ever again.  This was his life now, this infuriating grubfucking shitstain of a life, where the asshole who was draining his resources and throwing him ashen flirtations whenever possible wouldn't walk down the twenty fucking stairs to have a conversation. It was really no wonder that the sparking wonder didn't know how to commune with anything but circuit boards. Karkat was so gut-rippingly pissed for a moment that he didn't even think to read what the asshole was saying until three pings had sounded.

 

TA: dude would you lii2ten two me for once?

TA: ii’m tryiing two tell you 2omethiing about gz.

TA: remember gz?

TA: the clown you 2tiill have daymare2 about?

CG: HOLY FUCK.  SCREW YOU IN SIX ORIFICES YOU DON’T YET HAVE.

TA: don’t be crude.  ii know iit’2 true.

CG: I WILL BE WHATEVER IN THE MOST GODFORSAKEN OF FUCKTARDS I WANT TO BE.

CG: IF I WANT TO BE A THREE HORNED MEOWBEAST WITH A HANKERING FOR HONEY FLAVORED DOUCHEBAGS THEN YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO START MORPHING, LATCHING ONTO YOUR THROATSTEM LIKE A DERANGED MURDERCLOWN.

CG: IT’S LIKE SOME ASSHOLE GOD CAME DOWN TO ME IN A DREAM AND SAID “KARKAT, WHATEVER OUTLANDISH WISHES YOU HAVE WILL FOREVERMORE COME TRUE JUST TO SPITE THAT ONE GUY LIVING IN YOUR FREAKING ATTIC.”

CG: THE ATTIC THAT IS LITERALLY TWELVE STEPS AWAY FROM MY PERSON.

CG: IF YOU’VE BEEN TRYING OH, SO HARD TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME THEN WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T YOU, YOU KNOW

CG: WALKED DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS???

TA: ii’m tryiing two talk two you, not iiniitiiate 2ome 2ort of ob2cene 2lobber fe2t.

CG: SO YOU HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER LIKE THE FUCKING WRIGGLER YOU ARE.  OF COURSE.  WHY AM I EVEN SURPRISED AT THIS POINT.

TA: ehehehe you left your2elf 2o open, man.  there ii2 only your2elf two blame.

CG: MY SHAME GLOBES HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO YOUR SHIT FOR SO LONG THAT THEY ARE NO LONGER ‘SHAME’ GLOBES.

CG: THEY ARE MORE LIKE ‘OH WELL I TRIED THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP THIS POOR IDIOT’ GLOBES.

CG: AT THIS POINT I DON’T THINK MY SHAME GLOBES COULD EVER UN-ATROPHY ENOUGH TO BE SUFFICIENTLY EMBARRASSED BY YOUR CONSTANT STATE OF IDIOCY. 

CG: POOR THINGS GOT COMPLETELY SHAMED-OUT HAVING TO HEAR YOUR SLURRING BRAINMELT.

CG: THIS IS JUST HOW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE FROM THIS MOMENT ONWARD - SHAME-GLOBE-LESS.

CG: I SHOULD HAVE A CORPSE PARTY FOR MY POOR SHRIVELED SHAME GLOBES.

TA: you ju2t saiid 2hame globe2 liike two two many tiime2.

TA: whiile you’re at iit, diig a human grave plot for my abiiliity two giive a fuck.

TA: and then take a look at thii2:

\--TA sent file ju2treadme--

CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT.

TA: iif you had a decent codiing bone iin your entiire body you would be able two tell that iit i2 a paragraph of code.

CG: OH HA HA, SO FUNNY.  THAT ONE WAS A FUCKING ZINGER.

CG: I GOT THAT MUCH YOU AGGRAVATION OF THE NATURAL ORDER.

CG: AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE MOVED ON FROM MY WRIGGLERHOOD OBSESSION WITH FREAKING OUT OVER LINES OF MISCELLANEOUS SYMBOLS WITH NO APPARENT MEANING.

TA: you’re ju2t 2ayiing that becau2e you were never very good at iit.

CG: JUST SHUT UP AND TELL ME WHAT THIS IS.

TA: iit’2 a 2ectiion of the codiing from 2GRUB.

TA: actually, two be more 2peciifiic, iit’2 from 2BURB, the human ver2iion of the game.

CG: I THOUGHT THE GAME STOPPED EXISTING?

TA: very true.

CG: AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING AN EPIPHANY OVER HERE?

CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING GRUBFUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH GAMZEE?

CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME WE’VE HAD AN HONEST TO FUCK MIRACLE?

CG: OH FUCKING HELL, I THINK I MISSED MY SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TO STAB MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK, PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

TA: that’2 not what ii wa2 gettiing at, but ok ii’ll waiit.

TA: take your tiime.

CG: FUCK YOU.

CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET A COPY OF A GAME THAT DOESN’T EXIST?

TA: ii diidn’t.

CG: WOW, THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING CLEARER AND CLEARER.

TA: that ii2 two 2ay, the game ii2 2tiill a black hole iin tiime for whatever rea2on.

TA: but ii’ve been talkiing wiith some of the humans, and ii’ve put together about 2iixty percent of the code from the game ju2t from what we remember.

TA: and you wiill not beliieve what ii found.

TA: or you wouldn’t iif you could even deciipher the fiile ii 2ent you, whiich, by the way, ii2 liike 2econd grader code.

CG: POINT?

TA: iit 2ay2 that bard player2 have two functiion2 that no other player2 have.

TA: care two gue22 what tho2e miight be?

CG: SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING A SHITTY CLOWN WORSHIPER AND MURDERING EVERYONE YOU EVER CAME INTO CONTACT WITH.

TA: clo2e enough.

TA: that’2 murder mode, whiich ii2 accompaniied by hero mode.

TA: when triigered, the2e mode2 giive the bard god-tiier-liike iimuniity two mo2t phy2iical harm.

CG: BIG WHOOP.  SO HE WAS HARD TO KILL.  WE KNEW THAT, YOU BULGECHAFF.

TA: waiit, but there’2 more!

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.

TA: each mode turn2 on liike a liight2wiitch, meaniing that once iit’2 on iit can 2tay on indefinitely.  when on each mode cau2e2 actiion pattern2 2peciific two the mode.  hero mode=hero 2hiit, murder mode=murderiing 2hiit. but dependiing on whiich ii2 triiggered fiir2t, the target2 of the actiion2 change.

TA: iif murder mode ii2 triiggered fiir2t, then the bard follow2 the path of game-wiide de2tructiion.

CG: GREAT, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT, TOO.  ANYTHING ELSE USELESS YOU’D LIKE TO ADD?

TA: calm your rumple 2pear2.

TA: gz diidn’t hiit murder mode fiir2t.

CG: WHAT.

TA: 2omethiing mu2t have triiggered hero mode fiir2t, waaay before he 2tarted rampagiing.

TA: everythiing he diid wa2 requiired by the alpha tiimeline two briing u2 two the end-poiint where we would succe22fully briing down LE.

CG: HOLD THE FUCK UP.

CG: EVERYTHING HE DID… WAS TO MAKE US WIN THE GAME?

CG: EVERYONE HE…

CG: EVERYONE HE KILLED WAS JUST…

CG: OH FUCK.

TA: 2o… there you go.

TA: gz wa2 a good guy the whole tiime.

TA: the game had two u2e hiim two kiill people 2o that we could wiin.

TA: ii mean, iit wa2n’t ju2t hii2 actiion2 that changed 2hiit, but…

TA: he diid pretty much giive u2 the mean2 two viictory.

TA: anyway, 2hould you tell hiim or 2hould ii?

CG: HE…

CG: OH FUCK HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW.  HE’S FEELING LIKE TOTAL SHIT RIGHT NOW.

CG: I JUST…

CG: OH FUCK I CAN’T DO IT.

CG: I CAN’T BE THE ASSHOLE TO TELL HIM, NOT AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE SAID TO HIM.  HE HAS BEEN CLAWING HIMSELF UP OVER THIS SHIT--

CG: OH JEGUS.

CG: FUCK.

CG: YOU ARE THE BULGEROT OF THE EMPIRE, SOLLUX CAPTOR.

TA: hate you two, kk.  ii’ll break the new2.

TA: al2o--miind gettiing 2ome gummy grub2 next tiime you hiit up the 2hoppiing drone2?

TA: great.

TA: ii’m outiie.

 

            Karkat sat back in his chair, his fangs driving into his lips as the screen flickered and went back to the windows that had been open.  He closed his eyes.  He took a deep breath.  Thank fuck that there couldn't be many more of these godawful little surprises from the game.  They had to be getting few and far fucking between, right?  Because if there were many more, he was going to regurgitate a consolidated ball of rage and fall over backwards.

            ...He had a feeling that he should really read those messages from Rose.  Well, after going into the domain of the dorkus and tearing into Con Air, because honestly, how the fuck did the kid think that that completely shitty amalgamation of horrendously offensive stereotypes and completely misconstrued sexual tension could even be in the domain of decent cinema?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheers.


	7. A Rose in Wait

            _And there he goes_ , Rose thought, sighing from the depths of a pile of yarn balls in the corner of the Striders’ living room.  The Sight was patchy at best these days, but still she had known that attempting to contact the small alien boy would prove futile.  It was only to be expected that Karkat would find it in himself to completely ignore any concerns that weren’t his own.  Although seeing as he did consider anything thrust upon him as ‘his own,’ perhaps that unit of measure really wasn’t the best.  At present Rose really couldn’t grudge him wanting to keep clear of any trouble that wasn’t in his immediate vicinity, considering that he was, arguably, the most in-danger of any of the survivors of the Game.  Still, it was common courtesy to at least read messages sent to you by a close friend.  Rose looked up at the teetering tower of jarred animals that was holding up a corner of the king-sized sheet acting as a canopy above her head.  There was something salvageable in this situation, of course there was.  If only she could get up for a cup of coffee so that she could focus.

            Rose rubbed her temples as an incoming message alert went off somewhere in the mess on the other side of the TV, which had been replaying the menu screen of _Contact_ for nearly two hours.  The noise seemed to echo around the room, slipping through the cracks in the fortress of pillows and blankets that had been erected in the middle of the apartment.  Rose closed her eyes.  Sometimes she missed the deep cavernous wells of her home, the expanses kept in line by the haunted gaze of Zazzerpan the Learned, where the walls, though occasionally left dusty until her Mother could find it in herself to clean, her martini glass tucked in the crook of her elbow, were unmarred by the marks of thirteen years of sparring matches. 

            Often when she began the journey down the recesses of her memory she would next alight on the Land of Light and Rain, the beautiful curtains of glimmering rainbow falls, the puzzles upon puzzles that teased her mind.  Play the rain, that fateful phrase... she had played it, and it had played her.  The rain would wash across her memories in colors like chiffon and tooled lace.  And then, of course, she would begin to think about the one time that the skies rained black.  It caused a great deal of worry when that happened, because to this day she still sometimes tasted the effluvia of the horrorterrors at the back of her throat and knew that they would never be gone, and she would fall into fits of anger deep like the anger of a mother denied access to her child. 

            These fits were, she could only assume, thoughts or memories that were much beyond her sixteen years of life before the game ended.  They originated from the same place as all her other memories, and yet were strangely unformed—distant.  Frighteningly potent at times.  And she wasn’t alone in noticing such changes in internal perception.  The only person who seemed untouched by these intrusive memories was Dave, though not by design.  He was repressing his Alpha self, she would bet all her remaining grist on it.  It hadn’t escaped her notice that he was out of the apartment as often as he could be.  In fact, he and Jake were out now, doing something or other in the streets of Austen, leaving the other six of them to lounge about and hope that somehow the meaning was thrust back into their lives.

            John let out a drowsy yawn.  He was lying on his back, blowing enormous blue bubbles with a hunk of bubblegum that had been found underneath the shurikens in the bathroom drawer.  For a moment there was nothing but the looming orb of spit-shined azul, growing ever larger in Rose’s peripheral vision, then the bubble popped and John sighed.  “Hey, Rose?  When do you think the proxy accounts will get audio?” he asked, shuffling around and knocking a few DVD cases over.

            “Are you simply asking because you are too lazy to find your glasses in order to read the messages Karkat is sending to you?” Rose asked, her tired voice verging just barely on the acerbic.  She contemplated flicking one of her double pointed needles at Dirk, who was scrunched so low over his laptop that his shades were barely two inches from the screen, but decided against it.  Disturbing him from his concentration, no matter how grateful his probably-aching back would be, would certainly do no one a lick of good.  A side effect of lifelong isolation coupled with varying amounts of mechanical soul-shards had deemed him highly irritable when interrupted.  He could get very unpleasant, and while Rose could handle anything a Strider could throw her way, she simply wasn’t in the mood.

            John yawned again, shuffling further.  “Of course not.  I just don’t want to take my other senses for granted, you know?  In case someday in a far, far off land Jane actually manages to prank me and I happen to lose both of my eyeballs.  I have to consider the possibility.”

            “It’s more likely that one of your dumb cake-to-the-face pranks goes wrong and you maim _her_ ,” Jade said.  “Like that time with Davesprite.  Gods, I had feathers in my hair for weeks.  _Weeeeeeks._ ”  Rose couldn’t see the dog-eared girl, but she assumed from the drowsiness in her voice that she’d finally awoken from her nap behind the couch.

            “Aha, but you admit that it’s more likely I’ll fail to prank her than for her to actually prank me?” John giggled.

            Rose snorted through her nose, rolling daintily to her knees so that she could straighten her dress before heading into the kitchen.  “It is incredibly feasible that the escapades you pull will go explosively wrong one day is what she was implying, dear Egbert.  There was no slight on Jane even loosely intended.  Now please, respond to Karkat before he begins pestering me about it and buries the messages I’ve sent him.  I don’t have the patience today to calm him from one of his sublime panics.”

            A moment later Rose left the Bedclothes Battlement, affably dubbed so by Dave one of the rare nights he stayed awake with the rest of them to watch CNN.  She walked away from the mess that had amassed from nine people living in close proximity for three months, taking her tablet with her.  With a the slightest sigh, she sidled up to the counter beside Dad, a man who was resolutely trying to salvage normalcy from the remains of two dead universes with a baking pan as his only tool.

            “Evening, Rose,” he said, his voice slow and calm, but with the slight up-tilt of humor that he reserved for the moments when he knew exactly what she was feeling. 

            Rose nodded, settling herself on a stool with a cup of coffee.  “The pillow fort was an excellent idea of a magnitude that deserves the highest of kudos.  Please pass my gratitude along to the man who came up with it.”

            “Will do.  If only it had the coffee maker, then I daresay you would never be seen anywhere else.”

            “Ah, but you see, I think that oversight was a necessary design flaw.  A girl can only handle so many of your son’s favorite movies.”

            The smile that crept up his unshaven face was a sweet, if short-lived, creature.  With a nod in response, Dad returned to vigorous stirring of his batter-like substance, and Rose opened the communication app of her tablet, allowing the conversation to dwindle away just as easily as it began.  There was only so much you could say about the coping methods of nine individuals who could spell out the index of the DSM between them.  Now it was back to business.

            Rose did a quick scan of the cache of pesterlogs that Sollux had laboriously compiled, rattling through them a dozen at a time and picking out the bits that interested her.  It took but a moment to zero in on the latest cache of uploads, from a few minutes prior. 

 

TA: ii 2tarted 2ome 2iide project2.  you know, liike piickiing apart the re2t of the code ii remember from adaptiing the game.  ii obviiou2ly need another GZ and KK fiia2co on my hand2.

CC: It wasn’t so bad, silly! 

CC: At least not for you 38/

TA: ju2t

TA: 2ave iit

TA: wrap that 2hiit iin 2hriink wrap okay

TA: ii’m not iin the mood

CC: So w)(at ARE you in t)(e mood for?

TA: me22iing around with the biotech to 2ee iif ii could create 2ome 2ort of iinterference for the network.  double protectiion agaiin2t the iimperiial2 or whatever.

TA: and workiing at hackiing the conde2ce.  that’2 al2o a thiing that ii would greatly enjoy.

CC: Sollux, can I ask a favor of you?

CC: You know, before you go on a)(ead of yours)(ellf being a badass?

TA: what

CC: Would you look into somet)(ing for me?

TA: jesus christ can’t any of you do shit on your own???

TA: every other day iit’2 liike ii’m wadiing through all the2e fuckiing reque2t2 for the dumbe2t 2hiit.

CC: O)( pleeeeease pleasy pleasy PL------EASE?????

TA: jegu2.  fiine.

CC: 38D

CC: Gl’bgolyb s)(oald me somet)(ing and I need kelp to see if it’s true!  You’re the best wit)( computers, so.

CC: ALL you gotta do is put your awesome brain to t)(e task for M—E!  Just for a little w)(ile.

TA: well what diid 2he 2ay, get on wiith iit.  ii have a few miinute2 before my life ii2 2cheduled to go to 2hiit agaiin.

CC: S)(e told me t)(at t)(e condesce is different.

TA: niice.  very omiinou2.  iin what way?

CC: Liiiike maybe Meena)( from the dreambubbles and the condesce as we knew )(er )(ere were… combined.

TA: what the fuck am ii 2uppo2ed to do about that?

CC: Not)(ing yet.  I just need you to look into some transmissions and see if maybe it’s true.

CC: Because if Meena)( is )(ere, and Aradia is alive again… it’s possible t)(at some of the ot)(er ancestors are alive again, don’t you t)(ink?

TA: …

TA: ii am offiiciially iintruiigued.

 

            The ball had been set rolling.  Timed perfectly, as far as Rose could tell.  Well, as perfectly as any correspondence with the trolls could be, what with their tendency to dance along the abstrusely temporal with their shenanigans.  Which meant that all there was to do now was wait.  And hope the relative future was shenanigans-less.

            Without sticking around to read their trade of heart emoticons, Rose plucked a stray muffin from the kitchen counter and headed toward the pink room.

            “I have a question,” she said, sidling in.  There was only one occupant, sitting with her face nearly touching some sort of kitten app on the desktop computer they'd bought just a few days ago.  Rose placed the muffin on the desk as an offering, in case her paradox mother wasn’t feeling sociable today.

            With a sprawling, melodramatic ease, Roxy spun around in her chair, a juice-box hanging from her pink lips.  She was already mostly through pointing a foot in the air when she noticed Rose’s reserved, thoughtful expression.  “Aw, shoot, girl!  I’m ready for anything, lay it on me,” she said, lowering the foot and leaning forward expectantly.

            Rose half smiled, perching in the windowsill.  Of the two bedrooms of the apartment, this one was much pleasanter than the mess that had been constructed in Dave’s old room.  Where Dave’s room was a cacophony of storage, sparring space, and several dozen boxes of strange little horse licorice candies that no one knew what to do with, this one was softer.  Home to every book they owned, all of the books, it was a reprieve from the madness.  A place to just… talk.  “It might be an intrusive question.  One pertaining your feelings toward Dirk.”

            “Is this for your memories diary?” Roxy asked excitedly.  “I was just talking to Janey about that!  I mean, not talkin’ much… it’s hard to catch her at an off moment, you know?”

            “She has been superbly prolific, yes.”

            “She’s doing something to be proud of,” Roxy sighed, smiling.  Rose was just barely quick enough to catch the flash of worry in Roxy’s vibrant eyes.  She filed it away to bring up later.

            “Yes.  Well.  I’m still very worried about this whole memory business, as I’m sure you know.  It will be a relief to all of us to figure out exactly what we’re dealing with.  In fact, I’m waiting on Sollux this very moment in order to see if we can finally begin sorting out some of the mess.  Now about Dirk…?”

            Roxy’s cheery façade fell a little.  “Yeah, like… I’m just kinda worried ‘bout him, you know?  I mean… about them.  Okay like, I’m worried about all of us, but Dirk in particular is getting… idk, Rosey, I don’t even know how to describe it.  It’s so hard to know who you’re talking to these days.  I only ever knew one of them, two maybe if you count Hal as one, and each of ‘em is so drastically different it’s like… how can they function, right?”

            Contemplating this latest batch of information, Rose tilted her head to the side.  Perhaps it was symbolic of something that they were sitting in Bro’s old room, arguably the place where all his troubles began.  She looked carefully out over the city as she chose her words.  “I’ve been afraid that this would happen.  He—they?”

            Roxy gave a small nod.

            “—they were a heart player, and a prince—according to the Code, they actually splintered the moment they entered the Incipisphere.  Their psyche endured a hundred times more trauma than any of us put together.  If my theory is right, then…”

            “Do you really think we’re all every single one of ourselves at once?”

            Ah, the reality that Rose had been dancing around for several months now.  “For their sake… I hope not.”

            “…What do you think about maybe findin’ therapists in our area?”

            Before she could strongly hint that such an idea was probably a VERY GOOD idea, Rose heard pesterchum let out a ping.  “Hold that thought,” she murmured, already immersed.

 

\-- twinArmaggedons [TA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

 

TA: ii have 2omethiing two talk two you about.

TT: Lovely.  I am always pleased when the chain of communication malfunctions properly.  I have a favor to ask of you.

TA: can you plea2e not 2coop my own convo 2tarter out from under me ii have 2hiit two talk about.

TT: It would be appreciated if we could have a frank conversation about a few very important topics without you falling into cycles of antagonization and self-loathing.  I would, if possible, just like you to look at something before we talk, as it might elucidate some of your worries.

TA: ...

TA: 2orry.  ii have a lot on my mind.

TT: I know.

TA: wtf doe2 that mean?  Are you a p2ychiic who ha2 been haviing halluciinatiion2 about theiir own death?  don’t thiink 2o.

TT: I wouldn’t categorize them as ‘hallucinations.’  A hallucination is an in-the-moment sensory disturbance of the mind, whereas what you’ve described appear to be full-blown delusions.  You have convinced yourself of the immutable fact of your death without taking into account a number of other important details.

TT: Hallucinations and delusions are, however, both symptoms of psychosis.

TA: ii knew iit.  you’re the one who ha2 been vii2iitiing the log2.

TT: I must get my knowledge from somewhere, considering that my seer powers are very much abridged these days.  The log archives were a very good idea, I must admit.  They give presumptuous creeps such as myself a decent excuse to know everything about everyone. 

TT: Though despite the ability to view all correspondence between all twenty of us, I still feel as if there is some truth that has not yet been unearthed, and I intend to figure out what it is.

TA: let me gue22, thii2 ha2 2omethiing two do wiith what you 2ay are my delu2iion2.

TT: I am pleased that you are keeping up. 

TT: My concerns, the largest ones, at least, are regarding memories.  You may remember that I’ve mentioned similar things in a few of the memos, but more recently things have begun to come to a head, as you may have noticed.

TT: With the empress, for instance.

TT: I have sent these concerns to Karkat, but I’m well aware that he never read them through, much less responded to me.  I no longer have any sort of precognition, but I do get flashes when things do not happen the way I intended them.

TT: Please, if you would, go into the archives and retrieve the private pesterlog I sent to him on the day you two spoke about Gamzee’s role in your game session.  I do not wish to type everything out all over again, and I’m worried that our connection won’t last in any case.

TA: wtf do you want me two do wiith them?

TA: al2o could the lot of you get a liittle le22 cagey pl2 you are giiviing me a miigraiine.

TT: Read them.  And get back to me at your earliest convenience.  You’ll find they may answer some questions we have all been having.

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering twinArmaggedons [TA] \--

 

            “Dang, son, what did you send him to read?”

            Rose pulled up the conversation, settling in for a long afternoon of opinion trafficking.  She passed her tablet over to her relation, massaging the headache.

 

TT: Yes, re: your latest point about the appearance of random memories due to game shenanigans--I do believe that the theory of total splinter selves coming together in the wake of Sburb/Sgrub world reassembly is one with merit.

TT: There are, however, a few things that concern me about this realization. 

TT: These all center around a focal issue, one that I find to be deeply unsettling.  The so-named ‘Alpha kids’ of our group all appear to have vague recollections of their Beta selves, as has been exhibited when I make a joke about the old psychological games between my mother and I.  Roxy’s body language tenses in a manner that implies that she recalls exactly what I’m talking about and feels the same resurgence of guilt that I do. 

 

            Roxy smiled sheepishly.  “It seems kinda stupid, is all.”

            “I completely understand.  I feel the same way.  It’s another conversation, for another time.”

 

TT: With Dirk, especially, this seems very strong an implication, since he is more connected to different fragments of the soul or the self, whichever is applicable, than the average person.  He is much more aware of the difference iterations of himself than the rest of us are, and he has a very clear recall of Bro Strider as he was when Dave was being raised, and it has very much aided us in keeping Bro’s multi-billion dollar enterprises up and running, although it has begun raising serious questions about his mental health.

TT: So firstly: do these occurrences of memories only exist because the Beta versions existed before the Scratch?  Is the distribution of memory done in a linear way, such that one gets any and all memories of things that happened ‘before’?

TT: Secondly: If there is no such logic, which I suspect might be more the case, where are the memories of Alpha Rose that I should assuredly have?  I have a few memories that I think may fall into that category, but as there is nothing and no one to compare them to I honestly have no idea.  Dirk and Roxy can only tell me so much about my future/past, and they do not have many of the specifics that would rule out these memories as other instances of doomed-timeline Roses.

TT: And thirdly: This raises the question of what happened to the Beta trolls.  Could it be possible that the versions we found in the dream bubbles were combined with your ancestors as you knew them?  Or, even worse, were brought back to life as Aradia was, at the height of their powers, and are now somewhere to be found on or off your planet?

TT: Which, now that I’m thinking about it, raises even more questions: why do none of you remember your past selves on beforus, when you were your dancestors’ ancestors?

TT: I think that it would do all of us good to look into these mysteries, since without question the errant memories make up a good section of our own psyches and affect us whether we realize it or not.  Latent tendencies that we are as of yet not aware of could be changing our actions over time, for better or worse.

TT: And if indeed my suspicions are true, we must reexamine the universe we inhabit, because not only might Her Imperious Condescention know everything that Meenah knew in the bubbles, possibly giving her everything she needs to be ready to thwart your rebellion, such figures as Mindfang, the original, may be lurking about.  If Spinneret Marquise Mindfang is anything like the Serkets we met, then I am a touch concerned.

 


	8. Audio Log 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are things starting to heat up on Alternia? Yep. But more importantly, what is Dave getting up to these days?

[audio log: 1]

 

TG: Okay.

TT: Are we ready?

TG: Yes.  No, wait, hold on.

TT: Holding.

TG: Unique New York unique New York unique New York—

[gasp]

TG: Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

TG: Uhhh… Rosie, help me out here, what’s a good tongue twister?

TT: Hmm.  Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers?  


TG: A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.  If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,  


TT: Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

TG: There we go, girl!  Gimme a high five!

[muffled slapping noise]

TT: Now that we’ve successfully transversed the limbic system in search of childhood memories, I’d suggest moving forward to more recent events.  Are we ready?

TG: Totally, but I just gotta say that I’m way into this, okay.  I’m willing to go all the way, all you gotta do is probe a bit.  I’m all about this whole memory thing.

TT: Your enthusiasm is enjoyable in comparison to, well, everyone else, but this will not be the last time that I suggest we move slowly.  You remember the safeword?

TG: Rosie!  I’m all over this!  Your concern is totally adorable, but we’ve been over this

TG: SO MANY TIMES

TG: And I really, really do wanna go all the way.

TT: You are worried, aren’t you.

TG: Nooooooo not like you think I am.  I mean, well, yeah, of course like you think I am, but also I am gettin’ some pretty weird void tinglies. 

TT: What tinglies would these be?  I have tried to get a grasp on how much of your powers remain, but you are as elusive by day as you are by night.

TG: Hey, just because Gl’bgolyb is workin’ on that dream bubble thing doesn’t mean the Void is any less weird and non-understandable as it was in the game.  In facts, methinks that it’s even weirder now.

TG: I tried askin’ if Eq was experiencin’ any of the weirdness, but he got all cute and fumbly and disconnected a cable when he tried to pick up a towel he dropped. 

TG: I think he’s still a little confused about what purple means to us?

TG:  I had to ttyl because I was laughin’ too hard.

TT: I don’t think that’s a verb, dear.

TG: Well, it is now.  But for reals, this shit is WAY out there.  You remember how Jade found the planets?

TT: What a classy fiasco that was.

TG: Yeah, but even though she’s got them and she can still sense all the little consorts in her pocket and whatevs, she doesn’t have enough juice to, you know, PLANET SIZE them again.

TG: They’re just there, and they gotta stay there.

TG: The void tinglies are like that.

TG: Like somethin’ is there that I want to yank at, but I don’t got near enough juice to get at it.

TT: Hm.  I will make a note of this.  I never did make that chart of our classpects that I meant to, and it now seems like it would be very useful—

[STATIC]

TG: OH SHIT.  IS THAT A TRANSMISSION?

TT: YES.  LET ME JUST…

TG: Thank god you got some volume controls for that thing.  Who even needs the audio transmitter turned up that high?

TT: It certainly isn’t me.  Somehow I’m betting on Jake.

[static]

TA: …you fuckth hear me?

TT: Yes, Sollux.  Though I’m thinking a new transmitter is in order, this one seems to have been broken one too many times.

TA: Great, but it’th not going to be in uthe for a while.  I jutht wanted to give you a headth up or whatever. 

TT: Oh no.  Is it Her Imperious Compensation?

TA: You bet it ith.  A lot of weird pingth on the bioware, lately.  All they’re doing ith freaking out KK, but what can you do?

TT: I suspect that the outbound net is going down for another few days?

TA: Yep.  Keep going with the audio logth, tho.  You can back them up onto a drive until I’m allowed to reinthtate the net.

TG: You sound like you’re pouting pretty hard there, bucko.  What’s the haps?

TA: You mean bethideth all the royal overreacting, the pounding of my aural drumth, and the fact that we’re getting all our money from a Fashion webthite of all fucking thingth,

TA: Nothing.

TT: Lies.

TG: Oh, yeah.  TOTAL lies.  Big ole smelly lies.

TA: It’th theriouthly nothing, okay?

TG: Oh come on, you can tell us.  What are friends for, anyhow?  Last time I checked it was to talk to.

TA: It’th jutht that KK thinkth that now ith the perfect time to thend FF and ED to the depthth.  That’th all.

TT: Ah, the time is upon us.  His paranoia sweeps across the masses.  Like his ancestor before him, his words provoke motion in formerly sedimentary beings.  Trolls who would otherwise stay put begin to migrate.  Terezi’s egg of a lusus topples from the slab of the scales that has housed it for years.  Rocks take leave of their previous births and roll several inches to the left. 

TA: Heh.  It ith kinda inthpiring how he manageth to yell everybody into doing what he wantth.

TT: It is something that I’ve always looked up to.

TG: Hold up.

TG: What on Alternia are they even gonna do all alone at the bottom of the sea?

TG: They’re gonna be bored out of their gourds, is what.

TA: Doeth it look like I have the anthwerth???

TA: Becauthe I don’t.  I have none anthwerth.  Thigh.

TT: Did you mean to say thigh?  Or sigh?

TA: The… the thecond one.  LL, do NOT think what I know you’re thinking.

TG: Oh nooooo, does this mean we won’t be able to talk to Feferi anymore?

TG: Frowny face!

TA: Well, it’ll make thingth pretty fucking difficult.  I’ll be back in a few dayth to tell you if the coatht ith clear, we’ll talk about it then.

TG: Well, tell Fef that I love her and to keep bubblin’, okay?  You got that?

TA: I got it.

TT:  Alright.  Now, if you don’t mind, you interrupted a session…

TA: Oh shit.  My bad.

…

TT: Now that he’s gone, I have a feeling we’re going to have to cut this short.

TG: What?  What do you mean?

TT: My… light senses are tingling.

[gasp]

TG: [whispering] this is a note for the audio log that I’m makin’ a very dedicated gasping face with an O for a mouth.

TT: It seems as if Dave’s shit is about to catch up to him.  Quick, bring the recorder, I want to keep this memory for the rest of my life.

TG: Okey dokie.

[rustling, laughter]

[yelling]

[loud indignant screeches]

TG: OH MY GOD, GET OUT.

TG: Wait, Davey, is that a real superhero outfit???

TG: NO.  No, it is just a kinksuit, a skintight kinksuit designed for sexual stimulation—

[squeals]

TG: EGBERT YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, OH MY GOD, IS THE ENTIRE HOUSE IN HERE—

TT: Unfortunately for us, the commotion was kinda hard to ignore.  Hey, Rolal. 

TG: Heyo, Distri.  He looks almost as good as you do in your prince tights, eh?

TT: That is… disgusting.

TG: YOU’RE RECORDING THIS???  ROSE I AM GONNA KILL YOU JUST AS SOON AS MY FUCKING FACE STOPS ACTING LIKE A SUNBATHING LOBSTER.

GG: Wowee, Dave.  That’s certainly a look you’ve got going there.

TG: Oh god, I woke you up too?  Is there literally no one who isn’t privy to my public humiliation? 

GG: Jane poked her head out for a few seconds so, no.

TG: GET THAT SMUG LOOK OFF YOUR FACE.  RIGHT NOW. 

TT: The credit card came in handy, I see?  The biking store down the street was likely grateful for the patronage. 

TG: You are the wooorst.

TT: We need to talk about this, you know.

TG: …I know.

 

[end audio log: 1]


End file.
